Ragtag Giggagon

Complaints about breakfast television from individuals in the UK and Ireland are at a plateau, claims a new statistical report - if population increases are taken into consideration. Per head of capita, the number of people who have been disturbed by breakfast television crews, woken at five a.m. in order to take part in a "street scene" in the local village at some time between six a.m. and 9.30 a.m., has remained static. Alongside such street scenes, people are often otherwise harassed in the middle of the night by the "Daybreak Doorsteppers". "We have a cat and a dog here," said one recent complainant from Bristol. "We were called on to get ourselves up, and our family up - the pets included - at four a.m. Pots and pans were involved to wake the children. They wanted us to contribute to a discussion about house dogs and house cats and how well they get along, and specifically how well our Pepper and Tramp get along. I wanted us all to get dressed, ...

Enhancements in High Definition TV will tomorrow evening see actual events from the past change for the first time, as history and fiction merge. The BBC's Dr. Who hopes to travel back in real time in the first live broadcast of its kind. The TARDIS will arrive on the day before the first episode of the time travel serial's broadcast, in 1963. It is thought that the current and eleventh incarnation of the Doctor (played by Matt Smith) will throw Lee Harvey Oswald from the window of the Texas Book Depository building, from where it is believed he assassinated President Kennedy - moments before the assassin carries out the deed. He will be assisted by the first Doctor (played by the late William Hartnell). So how will the new technology enable time travel? The fiftieth anniversary of the show will be broadcast live from 1,500 cinemas around the world - as well as on the BBC and numerous other channels in various territories - starting just before 8 pm GMT on Saturday night. As...

The public sector salary controversy continued through the week. As physician consultant consultant physicians at some of Ireland's public private public hospitals were forced to justify their salaries, further revelations are set to hit the government next week. It was revealed yesterday that former IRA terrorist Gerry Adams is currently drawing down a salary as a member of the Irish parliament. The leader of Sinn Féin - who has been spotted occasionally in the Dáil chamber by television cameras, while making points and asking questions of the government - has been paid by the Irish taxpayer, at least since his election to the Dáil in 2011. Remarkably, a search of Adams's biography reveals that the leader of Sinn Fein has effectively been "hiding in plain view" as he went about his work in Ireland, with a constituency in County Louth, and a willingness to express views without having his voice hidden through that of an actor.  Meanwhile, a super injection prevents r...

Ireland's Minister for Education and Skills Ruairi Quinn forced hundreds of sweat shops in Laos, Bangladesh, Vietnam and Cambodia to increase their output of XXXL grey v-necked sweaters and XXXL wine v-necked sweaters yesterday, in response to his announcement that parents ought to be polled about the possibility of a reduction in the costs of Ireland's school uniforms . Quinn wrote an international draft for €25.00 - made out to "The Sweatshop Boys" - which management and staff at the clothing factories will be forced to scrabble over. Quinn made a few doodles on the envelope into which he placed the money order. The scrawls - rendered to look like an approximation of Thai script -  were given the imprimatur of what appeared to be a genuine South-East Asian postal address, through Quinn's clever use of a stamp and an AerPhwisshhhht sticker, in the top right hand corner of the envelope. At a press conference, Minister Quinn insisted that "the cheque will get ...

Today I want to address in my sermon just some of the problems faced by the Orthodox Church community that are related to tassels and fire safety awareness. And perhaps even provide some solutions! Among the many thousands of converts to our Church every year - whether they are at home, in hospitals, in hotels or motels, in bedsits - or if they're lying on the floor, halfway under the bed for the last two hours, their poor hip broken, as they try in vain to reach the telephone cord with the hand that isn’t trapped in all those tassels between the bed frame and the mattress, with the laptop before them as they read my wonderful sermon, wondering if they will die there - there is a common expression among ALL of these converts. And that expression is: "Tassels are Hassles!" Why these unnecessary accoutrements in the Orthodox Church, you might ask? We don't know. The reasons for tassels certainly go beyond hiding nipples! We will address just a few of the issues faced b...

An embarrassed local resident has described how his girlfriend accidentally forced him to think about sex with a horse while he was alone. The confession came in hushed tones in a pub setting to a friend last night. 'Frank' described what led up to the event one recent morning. "We'd been sexting each other dirty pictures the night before - Melissa had texted me a couple of photos of her breasts. I had sent back a willy pic. You know yourself. The next morning I was lying in bed and a multimedia message came in at 8 a.m. from her. I had been, you know, just working my way up to things. I reached for the phone, figuring, you know, her new picture would help." 'Frank' opened the picture message moments before his imminent "arrival". The photo was accompanied by the caption: "Look what I saw while out for my morning constitutional! Majestic! XXX Melissa" 'Frank' laments the fact that he was already "fully committed". He c...

Nicky "Soft Touch" Gravano would like to make absolutely clear that he's out of the business. That's right! If you ignore the surgical gloves in the photo above - which (I'm sure you'll agree) have perfectly legitimate uses - badda bing - you'll see that Nicky's going straight, with his amazing range of top grade toilet papers! So try Nicky Soft Touch's new luxury toilet roll and wipe your ass today! Or else!

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN: A VISIT FROM AN ARCH ENEMY? Continued from the end of Chapter 2 6 .           We left Dyll’s apartment within a half of an hour, and we returned a full twenty hours later, after a day of fun and frolics. Being on terms enough with Dyll to keep a spare leg in her house, my cousin Barney was actually better acquaintered with her than I had ever been, having been only charged with having to impart the details of the death of her paramour, Eaglekins , during what we called in Ireland that bloody period of the Irish Civil War, and the War of Independence, before I after having fled, I did, to England, with the explosion of Ireland entirely and its ongoing repair.           Coming in through the door with the day’s footage, what with Dyll being in the industry, we popped the tape into the projector and watched our exploits, going to ride on the bouncy castle and dodgems at the Mayf...

A 27 year old journalist who applied for substitute teaching roles at a number of schools - without qualifications or any form of police vetting - can now reveal that she gained unsupervised access to a classroom of seven- and eight-year-olds. She spent a total of three hours masquerading as a substitute tutor. The headmaster of the school at which she found the work had got her details from an open jobseekers' site, on which she claimed to have a higher diploma to teach at primary school level. She doesn't. Over the three hour time period, she didn't teach a single lesson to the children. Instead, she introduced spanking paddles - claiming them to be ball bats - and rocket shaped toys to her pupils, and went so far as to squeeze nine sets of buttocks and pinch three cheeks - only one of them facial. PADDLING She then got the class captain to handcuff a pair of her fellow students to each other and go to the corner and rub each other's noses, "Eskimo style". S...

An Early Childhood Chapter 26 Part 6: A Visit to Middlesex CONTINUED FROM PART 5 OF CHAPTER 26.           Dylly Oblong got out of bed and stretched her lithe, nightclub singer’s body.           “I have to feed the pooch,” she declared.           I stayed on the bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking.           There was a thump on the door below, and Dylly came back into the bedroom. She was dressed in a wedding gown.           “What are you wearing?” asked myself.           “My wedding dress, Sugar Plum,” she said. “I want you to see my blushing bride look, so that you know what you’re missing out on!”           She winked.         ...