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CHAPTER TWENTY TWO: A WHOLE RAFT OF ADVENTURE (PART FOUR ) An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock surreal autobiography. Its first chapter is here . I t parodies misery memoirs (such as Angela’s Ashes by the late great Frank McCourt), as well as ti me travel, pop c ult ure, and literature of v arious kinds . Continued from Chapter 22 Part 3 .             But as I looked on, I saw that neither of the prisoners was British in any way. One was of dark complexion, an Indian it seemed, or – if I had caused him any offence were he to hear me, perhaps a Pakistani man – and the other one – a beautiful lady – was wearing a haggis. It turned out in the end that the Indian or Pakistani man was in fact a Bangladeshi. The relevance of his nationhood at this point in world history could be regardered, of course, as quite irrelevant.             When I say the young woman was wearing a haggis, I mean that she was actually quite nude, her hands over her splendiferously modest upper body in a

Every year, thousands of moles are born into the world blind - and their eyesight gets little better from then on. Moles have eyes that are no bigger than the eye of a needle. They have such poor eyesight because they spend most of their lives underground - they can discern little more than light from darkness. Imagine living in that world, where you can only tell whether it's day or night. With no colour in your life to speak of. Here at the Laser Eye Surgery for Moles Clinic (LESMC, pronounced "Lezumkeh"), we've been providing eye-sight restoration for the entire mole population of the world since 1743. However, our 1,500 sites around the world simply aren't enough to cope with the demand. Our mobile units were retired with the advent of laser surgery techniques - mole goggles and spectacles had become obsolete and we began to perform all of our surgeries inhouse. But for just £2 a month, you could help to re-establish our mobile units once again. This time, we

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO: A WHOLE RAFT OF ADVENTURE (PART T HREE ) Continued from Chapter 22 Part 2 .             We continued on downstream for some hours, uneventfully. I tied a fishing line round my toe and placed a lure into the water, with my straw hat on my head and a corn cob pipe in my mouth. Soon enough, I caught a fish which we ate for dinner that night when we dropped anchor.             The next morning we set off again. A fog had descended and clung to the water so we couldn’t see any farther than our noses. Old Man Phelps’ nose i s quite flat, and my nose is quite small, so as you can imagine, we couldn’t see tha t far at all. I decided to play a trick on Old Man. I let a roar out of me and splashed the water with my foot, before crawling into the centre of the raft and keeping quiet.             Old Man shouted:             “Paddy? Fallen in the water have you?” He scrambled over to where he reckoned I’d fallen into the water. “Oh God no!” I could barely see him make the

Man held over drugs find A man has been suspended over a shipment of cocaine by a no-nonsense copper in Leeds. Unnamed sources claim that the West Yorkshire Detective Inspector attached a harness to the suspect’s ankles in order to get him to reveal the source of a drugs find with an estimated street value of £50,000.   Photo courtesy of anotherview . The arrested man – already known to poli ce as having a fear of heights – was drawn up to a height of five metres before he gave detailed information about the source of the shipment, which had been found at a derelict warehouse. The man swore on his granny’s grave that he didn’t know the names of any of his accomplices. However, the authorities have come away from the interview with very clear physical details on members of the gang of drug smugglers. West Yorkshire Police have made an appeal to the public, describing the men as “possible suspects ” , “persons of interest t o our investi gation ” and “ certainly, men we want to

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO: A WHOLE RAFT OF ADVENTURE (PART TWO ) Continued from Part 1 .                Melanie had taken to employing the word feckin in everyday speech, an Irish euphemism, to be sure – but in her cut glass English accent, it sounded only adorable so it did, even though she was still a chimpanzee in everything other than name.             Melanie the Chimpanzee – as she was now known to everybody – had had a number of treatments done to investigate the possibilities of a cure for her primatic changes induced by the spell of Floudh Rak the Weatherlock. The good news was that the tests that had come back from her blood samples indicated that most of the genetic variance between herself and humans – even at this stage – was no more than about 2 or 3 percent. So her human i ty could be salvaged!             We set off after this evil weatherlock, himself swept downriver a day or two earlier, and the current took us along at a fair pace, around the first bend that led on to

Do you like Take That? Who can forget their amazing swansong, Never Forget? Wouldn't you have wanted that as a final song before their first breakup, rather than the Bee Gees cover How Deep is Your Love ? I mean, who did they think they were? Westlife? But let's forget about that for a moment. Do you like Thin Lizzy? The kickass 70s rock band from Ireland - who were better than those Westlife warblers! Photo by Harry Potts. But c'mere a minute: Wouldn't you like to purchase a GREAT album - with BOTH Take That and Thin Lizzy together - for the first time EVER? Included in the Song Listing could be the classic hits: Jailbreak Everything Changes The Boys are Back in Town Back for Good Whiskey in the Jar But that's not all. There could also be other hits on the album as well. I think the only person with the credibility and connections to make this happen is - let's face it - Simon Cowell. So everybody let's write to Simon and make this CD happen!

The capture of the self-styled "Joker Czar" or "Dzhokhar Tsarnaev" during the week at a Boston house boat has once again highlighted the shortage of superheroes available - both for short term contract work, and in a more public capacity - to the US government and its people. Christmas Day 2009 saw the festively fiery crossdressing Christmas Underwear Bomber apprehended by a member of the general public on a flight from Europe to Detroit. It is this se c urity failure that led to a call for superheroes from the Re publican right in Wash ington . That call has yet to be answered. A rendering of what the Christmas Underwear Bomber might have looked like on the flight Rampant online speculation suggests that the authorities are playing into the latest super-villain's hands. Sources close to t he Joker Czar - said to have an unassuming and mild-mannered temperament - claim that it was his plan all along to be arrested. As yet, the only recourse available to th

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO: A WHOLE RAFT OF ADVENTURE (PART ONE) Continued from the end of Chapter 21.             I put an ad in the Aigeanta Crier seeking help in chasing the British and their fellow contrivers – and indeed help came from far and wide, including from my pack of Boy Cub Scrouts . The kinds of anti British sentiment rife at the time meant that if people had seen an image of a Brithisher, they would’ve happily shaken their fist at it while grunting. Tod ay, s uch images are frequently found on Page Three of a certain British tabbly.             Anyyyyyway, the 37th Boy Scout Brigade, my former half-shtarved Runt Pack, volunteered its services, and fifty boys accepted the call to hunt the British. Old Man Phelps and Uncle Gunka arrived and offered their services. Even Mad Leopold Cassidy showed up to wish me all the best, returning to me the gold banshee comb, with which I had presented him some sixty years later to get back to the Twenties .             Hundreds of peop

Planet Earth! The beautiful blue sphere that we today call Earth is the only planet known to support life. However, early on in the planet’s formation, when it was smaller than the blue orb with which we are now familiar, a collision with a second planet sized body led to a fusion of the two planets. Many scientists agree that if the collision had never actually taken place, then they certainly wouldn’t be having this conversation. Diet! Eight out of every ten infants in Western societies receive only ten percent of their recommended daily allowance of iron, with the iron deficiency being even more pronounced in developing nations.   Unfortunately, if such small stomachs were to receive the full dose of iron in the form of food, the huge amount of food required would result in the babies bursting. Nature compensates for this iron deficiency by limiting the language skills of babies, thus reducing their need for iron, until their stomachs are large enough to accommodate a high iron in

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: A TEMPORARY CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCE AND A SHIFT IN POWER (PART 7)  Contin ued from Part 6 of Ch 21 .             Tancred Moorphy M’Nally, Sean Tubridy-O’Reilly, John Fisherman-O’Reilly (related by marriage) and I stood on the deserted quay, looking for any sign of the conspirators led by Bishop O’Brien.             “They must be gone already.”             The voice came from behind us and we spun around. A cloaked figure, dressed all in black with a deathly pale face atop an eight foot tall body stood before us. A thunderous wind suddenly rose up. Rain fell from the quickly cloud-filled sky. Thunder and lightning clapped and crackled across it. I held up my scimitar in a defensive posture.             Floudh Rak drew a sword of its own, which shone brightly in what little light there was. We circled each other.             “Paddy Flanagan!” the evil weatherlock roared, his cape flapping in the wind. “Welcome…to die!”             “Welcome to die?” I asked him

Link back t hrough some of other fabulous entertainment facts here , here and here . Did you know? The Mission Impossible series of films have been used as vehicles for Tom Cruise, who travelled around the world during filming and promotion. When confronted about the fact by a gossip columnist, the star laughed and asked: “How can you possibly use a movie as a vehicle?” But he was later spotted by the same reporter stra pp ing his M: i-2 onto his back and jetting off to Australia.   C om e back for more fabulou s facts soon!

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: A TEMPORARY CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCE AND A SHIFT IN POWER (PART 6) Continued from Part 5 of Chapter 21 .             Fletch’s left fist connected with his opponent’s jaw. There was a loud snap as bone met bone. The third punch sent Shadraff to the dirt, dying a painful death as he drifted in and out of consciousness, bubbles of snot-blood pumping out of the nose hole, looking not unlike some celebrity, coke addled mess in the newspapers, and looking a bit like a broken lava lamp. The poor f e cken bastard, God love him. But let’s not pity him.             And so, my first encounter with Michael Shadraff – the dirty convict peckerhead, wherein he had crucerfied my own brother – had finally been avenged as he lay dead .             Fletch fell back onto the dirt and lay there exhausted, in absolute tha tther s so he was . Melanie hurried over to him.             “Are you all right?” she asked.             “I will be when you get off my leg,” he said.            

In part of our series of signs that require further explanation, we have this taken in a public toilet: If anyone can offer any explanation, leave a comment below!

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: A TEMPORARY CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCE AND A SHIFT IN POWER (PART 5 ) Continued from Part 4 of Chapter 21 .             Fletch lay on the dirt, gasping for breath, having just been shot by Michael Shadraff. Shadraff stood over him, laughing.             “I had your sister before we killed her, Fletch,” he said with a leering cackle, “Now I’m going to have Tiptoft’s daughter before I do her in too.”             “Did you know that she has hands for feet?” Fletch gasped, between retches. “Look at her. She looks like a chimp.”             “Urgh,” Shadraff said, “That’s disgusting.”   Photo courtesy of John_X             “I know,” Fletch said, “Paddy told me about her feet. And do you know something else?”             “What’s that?”             “I’m wearing a coat of chainmail.”             Fletch kicked Shadraff in the face and the criminal fell back onto the dirt. Fletch leapt up and threw himself onto Shadraff and they both fell to the ground. As they lay strug