Ragtag Giggagon

After a three month delay, a cross border initiative has released its report on the Silvercrest meat processing facility at which a number of horses were discovered. It is now believed that the abattoir linked to the recently horse-tainted beef has - for more than twenty years - been operating as a riding school, employing an entire orphanage of healthily-medicated Iraqi children as its stable-boys. A "sprouts n stout" concoction that most Irish people now call dinner, after a food scare An RTE exposé on the food scare - initiated by the Prime Time Investigates team, but since taken over by the producers of Ear to the Ground - indicates that some of the abattoir cattle were cleaned on the farm using salon-quality hair products, rather than the high street or supermarket brand shampoos that could have been used. Further, the cattle were sent swimming in coastal waters - without supervision - on an almost weekly basis, to wash out their luxury shampoos, so that the decadence wo...

An International Horse and Cattle Boxing Tournament - located primarily in France - has been exposed through a pan-European food hygiene investigation. Headed up by Jamie Oliver and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the investigation's discoveries are so shocking that both chefs have been recently fast-tracked firearms licences and weapons by their Antwerp-based umbrella group, the Special Regulations Office for Wholefoods (TaskForce), which will re-locate its headquarters to Brussels in a few months' time. A SPROWT officer, speaking on condition of anonymity as he lacks the authority to publicise operations, declared: "We've had to enlist Heston Blumenthal in support. We still need an official greenlight, but Heston is so disgusted that he has started work in England using centrifuges to create the kind of weaponry that his colleagues will require to fulfil their objectives. We're turning a blind eye to all of this for the moment." Then he winked. "I'm wi...