AN EERILY CHILDHOOD BY PADDY FLANAGAN HALLOWE’EN SPECIAL (PART TWO)

CHAPTER ADDENDUM VATICAAANICUM: A VISITATION FROM THE MIRROR UNIVERSE HOLY MOTHER (PART TWO)
Continued from Part One.

                However, Mary did have her counterpart in the modern physicist’s multiverse – and with that science being only in its infancy at the time, what with the springy cheese products made for the children, and the mozzarella for the fancy pizzas having not been yet invented, there was only one four-dimensional alternative to our own four dimensions. Every year, in order to appease the mirror universe Holy Mother, on the twenty-fifth of March in general – although a visceral feeling in the gut could allow for a votive offering to be made at any time of the year, Lord bless us all – where was I? Ah yes. In general, on the 25 March, people would leave all of their “sody pop” be it lemonade, cream soda, Kelly’s cola, or whatever other fizzy drinks were in the house at the time – out for the arrival of Her Good Reverse Self, as she was then known.

                The Mirror Universe Mary was actually something of a myth. But flat lemonade had to be retained for an entire year if it had run out of gas the previous late March, and stored in the house until her arrival.

                She was not known to us people of ignorance as the “Mirror Universe Holy Mother” or the “Alternative Realm Madonna”, as she is today on the National Geographic Channel when they open up the golden box, and show the footage of men wearing beards and towels on their heads with a bit of rope around them, and having a bit of a pray or the read of a scroll.

                No, a Thiarcais! Due to our inability to grasp even the most basic of Newtonian concepts at the time, due to the substandard hedge fund school education provided to the majority of the populace – shown in recent times to be built on a house of monopoly cards – she was instead usually called the “Reverse Stunt Double Mary”. Stunt doubles were the closest thing we had in terms of comprehension to holy apparitions from alternate realities. However, Oh worthy one – being the more bellicose of the two glorious women – she was also known as the stunt double Black Madonna, the stunt double Chocolate Momma, the stunt double Black Mariah, or simply just Stuntman Mary. But she wasn’t dark-skinned like the medieval Black Madonna statues. We were just a lot more ignorant of racialism in those heady, pre-eugenics days.

                This Shockin’ Holy Saint, Reverse Stunt Double Mary, would enter our universe through a portal that opened every March above the Greek Orthodox Church of the Annunciation in Nazareth, or else at the gap of the four corners of Ballaghaderreen Cathedral that was focused in a burst as a kind of annual prism, or else in a hole over Antarctica caused by all the fizz being released every time a gassy bottle of sody pop was opened, depending on whose version of the legend you chose to believe – the one found in the actual Gospels, the one of local folkloric legend, or the far more apocryphal Late Twentieth Century Gnostic Bastard Gospel of Science, where it is believed that a little retroactive continuity with a cheeky wink at what’s going on in the real world in 1989, had been carried out.

                The differences between the real Holy Mother and Reverse Stunt Double Mary included the fact that the alternate reality Mary had a lot more hair on her chin than our own Mary. Hence she was also known as the Bearded Mary.

Continued in Part Three.