Santa's Alarmingly High Cholesterol

12:58 AM EST, December 2, 2016

            Rumors that Santa Claus has been suffering ill health in recent years were confirmed by the man himself Friday as he prepares to journey round the world later this month.

            “Yes, I’m exhausted all the time now,” he told a press conference at an undisclosed location in the Arctic Circle. “I’ve been feeling run down for the last few years. I’m more susceptible to chest infections now. I went to see a number of specialists, but none of them could figure the problem out.”

Santa makes a second run to some regions on the eve of his own feast day, January 5, and he claims that it is this subsequent trip that is “the real killer”.

            “You know, I’m wiped after Christmas Eve. But tradition dictates that some kids don’t get their gifts till early January. I just don’t have enough recovery time between the two runs. My body can’t sustain it.”

            Asked why his strength has deteriorated now, when he’s been doing the job with little complaint for the last sixteen hundred years, Santa gave an honest appraisal of modern history.

“It’s down to the spread of Western European traditions to all four corners of the globe. I can’t be everywhere at once, but the last five hundred years have been tough, and that’s down to colonization. I didn’t say anything at the time because I thought it would come off as sanctimonious. But there are more children now than ever before, regardless of what anyone says about an ageing population. And the toys are so diverse. I can’t be expected to source yak hair and goat gut for a Nepalese kid’s handmade toy and then replicate something that Hasbro mass produces in my small workshop. And the costs of paying the elves are higher now than ever. Corporate social responsibility is something that I take very seriously.”

Santa and LeAnn Rimes, 2005

Santa’s eyes then welled up, and as the press conference microphones picked up a sniffle, he turned to Mrs Claus (first name Marital), seated alongside him. She appeared to whisper a few words of encouragement before he nodded and cleared his throat to address the reporters. 
           “You know, this vocation is the most rewarding profession any man could ask for. But it’s very repetitive. It can wear away at you, year on year. I didn’t think much of myself a few years back. I got disheartened with the secularisation of society, the commercialism. I felt in part responsible. Unfortunately, my self-disgust led me down a destructive path. I was unfaithful to my wife on a number of occasions. I engaged with a multitude of women under their Christmas trees while cuckolded husbands slept soundly in their beds. And because I didn’t like myself, I wasn’t very careful.”

            The reporters’ reaction at the press conference expressed surprise at his candour.

            “I’m telling you this now because I’m afraid that the low immunity I’ve been suffering might be down to my infidelities,” Santa admitted. “I fear that I may have contracted a sexually transmitted disease. And I think that this is the best forum through which I can warn my conquests about the possibility of infection.”

            He urged any of the hundreds of thousands of women who have slept with Santa during the 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 and 2013 holiday seasons to get tested immediately.

            “They may believe that they had dreamed it, but I can now confirm that they had an act of love with Santa. Although they were all willing, it was an abuse of my reputation rather than my magical powers. It’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life, possibly alongside a sexually transmitted infection.”

            The question was raised as to why Santa himself hasn’t been tested.

            “They’ve run blood tests, but unfortunately my cholesterol was too high to get accurate readings. I was told there were too many lipids in my bloodstream to verify my condition. But I have this reputation as a jolly fat figure to maintain, so I can’t lose weight in good conscience. I’m eating well now, lots of protein, reducing my fat intake, and I hope to keep my rotund shape. And I promise that as soon as I get tested again, I’ll publicise the results to the world.”

            Santa and his wife departed the conference to warm and spontaneous applause from the reporters present. Evidently touched, he was seen rubbing his eyes with his handkerchief as he walked out the door.