Ragtag Giggagon

The Pachyderm Filtering Club sources its drugs from South-East Asia, and thanks to Dublin Zoo veterinarian Anthony Bennis, converts raw cannabis into difficult to analyse but high-grade elephant effluence that the police don’t even want to look at. A wrecked Indian elephant (Photo courtesy of Howe1634 ) The Nelly Memory Loss Prevention Society, meanwhile, is a rival club dedicated to undermining certain activities of the former association. WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON? Two more wrecked elephants. Photo © Susan Bein

Y is for SAT Y RE: YOUNG  POLITICS: GET INVOLVED!!! A local sixteen-year-old representative of Irish political party Fianna Fáil's youth wing, Jeremy McMahon (16), of Bantry, County Cork, had little explanation for why he aided and abetted the hiding of seven- and nine-year-olds Lar (7) and Darragh (9) Willis from their babysitter for three hours, following a daring escape from their family home last weekend via their first floor bedroom window. Babysitter Sally Pearce was frustrated by Jeremy's refusal to assist in the return of the two boys, whose parents had gone out for an evening meal at a local fish restaurant.  When Sally noticed the boys had escaped, she went out onto the street, asking Jeremy to help in locating them. It was immediately apparent that although he knew where they were, he wasn't going to assist in their return. "You're like, such a sap!" she said, storming away Image courtesy of @SarahSecord . Secretary of the local branch of Ogra Fiann...

Exoplanets are MANSPLAINED to women, children and the elderly! Our intrepid reporter goes to great lengths to explain what an exoplanet is! Watch as he gets his facts mixed up! Gasp in awe at his elbows, for easy escape! Watch as he is nearly abducted by aliens!

Something of a continuation of this: http://richardgibney.blogspot.ie/2013/02/very-inspiring-blogger-award.html Research: I might lose a piece of my own writing or some "research". The research could be an article, something on which I want to base a scene. It could be how someone reacts in an explosion's shockwave, an emotional reaction to being cheated on or dumped, how the poppy plant is harvested in Afghanistan, or whatever else. I mope for an hour. Then I think "Okay, I've read (or written) it once anyway." I'll write the scene, find my old writing or the article later, and I won't need to change a thing. I think we have a remarkable tendency to - even in conversation - file things away to be pulled out a week or a decade later, to be used in our lit. Writing Contests Writing contest adjudicators claim that they prefer that you send an entry in early rather than at the last minute. They claim that your entry will not be penalised for not...

A case of not knowing what I'm gonna say next for this post. I should've scripted it better. The cameraman told me what to say! Also, the video is too long. (You'll get the gist after the first verse and chorus.) Kids ought to have nightmares with something like this. I have other ideas for this daft character, but it's a matter of time and shooting the footage.

Yusuf's novel, JIHADI, has made the quarter finals of the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Awards. It features unreliable narration, and a brilliant central character, Theolonius Liddell, whose life experiences have resulted in both a need to excel and in mental illness. Another character suffers from inoperable brain cancer: The upshot is plenty of uncertainty and second guessing. Much of the beauty of the novel for the reader is trying to discern fact from fiction within the novel's narrative - although this great work operates on many levels, and the thrilling story can readily be taken at face value. Download JIHADI at Amazon UK or at Amazon US , then read and review it now!

CONTEST RULES FOR THE UNRELIABLE SHORT STORY CONTESTS : Your short story must not contain any racism or violence of a sexual nature. However, your short story CAN feature characters who are racist, and no more than five (5) kicks to the testicular region of a male character's anatomy - provided these kicks do not take place in a bedroom. Our adjudicator this year is the Grand Old Dame of Literature, Carla Bright. Carla (68) started writing last year when she retired from her golf club chairwomanship (Ladies' Committee). She doesn't ask for much, but she likes big font, and she'll be looking for stories that shine. (She says she's a sunny individual.) US spelling only. We are not aware of any other forms of spelling, so do yourself a favour and learn to spell American. If the story has been translated from another language, then Вы должны привести переводчика и оригинального автора . For more contest rules, visit Yusuf Toropov's site here: http://brand...

Two writerly things that are a lot of fun.  Thursday Threads runs under the Twitter hashtag #ThursThreads. Every Thursday in or around the early afternoon according to our Greenwich clock, there is a Flash Fiction competition run by Siobhan Muir on her wunnerful site . A line is taken as a prompt from the previous week's winning story. Limits are a minimum 100 to a maximum of 250 words. Another great writerly thing is the #FridayPhrases, #FP hashtag Friday Phrases tweet-sharing community . Run under the @fridayphrases Twitter account mainly by Amy Good @amicgood and sometimes Willow Becker @willowbecker , you can tweet to the account and include the hashtag. If you're already known to the FP peeps, you can jettison the handle, and simply incorporate the #FP tag if your spacing is at a minimum. If the tweet gets overlooked by @FridayPhrases - which will favorite and retweet your tweets in general, you can tweet 'em to let 'em know. There is a theme every week. (This ...

My sister bought me a lovely pair of socks one year for Christmas instead of a second set of earphones. The socks had a bald man's head on them with a caption that said "I'm not bald, I'm just taller than my hair!" I always thought it strange that the socks (manufactured for one's feet) should carry this message pertaining to a hairless head, at the other end of the body. Needless to say, there are too many holes in the socks for me to comfortably wear them any more. But I hit upon a great idea - I brought them to a jewellery manufacturer the other day, and had the pair attached to hoop earrings that dangle from my lobes.  Now my socks convey their wonderfully self-deprecating message much closer to my head, and I no longer have to expose my ankles and look like a complete idiot in order to get a laugh!

R is for Research! (Market and otherwise.) In a research survey conducted via a stealth marketing operation over the last six months by Google, Facebook, China, Twitter, YouTube, Windows-Microsoft, and the National Security Agency, more than half of online shoppers in the European Union believe that corporations with a large social media presence are less trusted than those with a small or non-existent one. In the interests of disclosure, Google controls this site but not its content. Millions of consumers' emails and messages were monitored to gauge public opinion. The above corporations, agencies and countries were a fraction of those used to obtain information. "In a joint venture like this, any sites that we couldn't monitor through our own services, we can access anyway," claimed a Chinese official. "So, the dating site PlentyOfFish and the retailer Amazon didn't have to sign up to our survey. We took their data." Shockingly, it transpired that cons...

Q is for Quick: This is the quickest post I've ever written. Attach picture...and... WE'RE OUTTA HERE!!! You wish, people! Q is for Qapla'! This is the Klingon word for Success. Here is a joke about Klingons. You can let me know if it is a success: Q. How to you spot a Klingon in a turbolift? A. He is the one with the GAGH* wriggling in his beard! Could YOU spot a Klingon in YOUR turbolift? *Gagh is Klingon worm food. For more Trek related fun, check out the Star Trek Dating picture sketch !!!

For the serious infraction of Driving While Female, Saudi ladies have to sign a pledge saying they won't do it again before they're released. Then, the men-folk are called in to collect the women. The man has to sign a pledge to say that "his" woman will be kept away from the driving seat. I wouldn't wish that responsibility on any man. Would you? Every year, hundreds of these poor men are forced to sign a promise that their out-of-control sisters, wives, mothers and daughters are going to stop driving. Can't we stop this madness? How can these men be prevented from breaking the law because of their loopy womenfolk? It's getting tyred, people. Saudi Arabia ought to either kill ALL women in the country RIGHT NOW, or allow women to drive. Seriously. And if these women need help parking, HELP THEM. Every woman I know parks better than I can. And three cats I also know are better at parking than me, when they put their differences aside and start working ...

An Early Childhood is an ongoing blog novel. It's a parody of misery memoirs such as Angela's Ashes, by the great Frank McCourt. The hero is a champion bodhrán player, literary figurehead, freedom fighter, and Irish television presenter called Paddy Flanagan. The first chapter is here . It's set in what could be described as a loose approximation of the very early 20th century. There are a number of coming of age novels (such as those by Mark Twain) winked at in the story. For instance, a parody of The Kite Runner , alongside some elements of Angela's Ashes. A Frank O'Connor short story parody (First Confession) starts here , after which Paddy ends up very unwell in hospital. Another Frank O'Connor parody - Guests of the Nation - can be found here . Other references to follow for the ensuing tale - when Paddy travels to England to inform Dyll of the death of her lover, a British soldier called Eaglekins - which can be found here - include The Crying Game movie ...

If music be the food of love, play on. M is for MUSIC. So I'm a little out of shape. Yes. Tis accurate. No body dysmorphia for Fatty Two Bellies here, oh no! In the middle of this, intensely aware of my "Shatner belly" under the spotlights, I did a self-conscious "Dance like Boris Yeltsin" and subsequently said "Gimme a minute" for a couple of bars, feigning exhaustion. But playing Peter Pretend with the coronaries has its benefits. I was then blessed with the good fortune, honour and immense privilege of being joined in an assist to finish off the song by the incredible vocalist from Twisted Sisters . They is an 80s cover band and they is very good. Soft Cell, Human League et al. That chap's Kiss (Prince) thing on the night was syooooo-poib! (If the video doesn't play of me karaokein', lemme know!)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! When jewellery designer and farmer's housewife Fidelia Hawkins heard allegations concerning her husband's alleged string of affairs, she took the string and made a beautiful necklace out of it. Some of the affairs Fidelma discovered on the farm (NOT ACTUAL DEPICTION) The affairs themselves - which she found out about on the family farm - are now bound in Swarovski crystals! Newly single Fidelia (32) is happy to showcase her jewellery at the Chuntford Village Fair on Maundy Thursdee.

YT and RG   Post Originated via fellow A-Z blogger and author supreme Yusuf Toropov (YT) . (I am RG.) After more than twelve hours of prompts and suggestions over what to write about, Yusuf wrote to me with a wild and goading accusation. Our near verbatim email conversation is below. YT: My friend RG attempted for months to work a kangaroo into the plot of my novel JIHADI: A LOVE STORY , but he was unsuccessful. Rich, two questions. First, why were you so fixated on this? And second, are you yourself, as so many have suggested, a kangaroo? RG: This is a kangaroo court you have me in front of, Yusuf. I will not kowtow to your accusations. I simply implied that your novel - which deals with the frequently bellicose nature of US foreign policy, the poisonous attitudes of a minority of its servicemen, conversion to Islam, extremism in the Middle East, and a cat - could have also done with a kangaroo. I asked you on numerous occasions to turn your hate-filled imam into a kangaroo, and ...

The case is surreal...the people unreal...Judge Judy! AND SO THE CURTAIN CLOSES ON THIS WHOLE SHODDY POST!!! THE END!

Q. If I mix a " good bacteria" rich yogurt drink with my morning Smoothie, it's absolutely delish! But I'm wondering if the citric acid in the Smoothie kills off the good bacteria in the yogurt drink? I'd take them as separate shots if that's the case - I just like the taste. A. The short answer to this question is Yes or No. But t here is a re ason this mix tastes so good, and it's Nature's W ay of letting you know that you're on the right cocktail track - or as dieticians call it, the "cocktrail". It's not lewd or rude - this is just what it's called. Yes, the good bact eria is destroyed by any bitter acid in the Smoothie as soon as cont act is made between the two liquids. Citrus fruits contain "Critic Acid" - and it's not called Critic Acid for any old reason. Its very criticism destroys other things that are trying to grow. However , once this bitter, critic acid attacks the bacteria, the cor pses of the goo...

 I'm stuck for a G in this Blogging A-Z. So it's a bit of a rush job, this one! G IS FOR GrrrrrRANDOM!!! FOR THE MEAT EATERS: G IS FOR GOATS Where is all the goat meat? And why aren't we eating this lean protein? What's with all the beef and the lamb and the pork and not much goat going round? Shut up and pass me some of that nanny! BARK! BARK! FOR THE TECHNOLOGY G IS FOR GAMMA RADIATION I saw the bst minds of my genratn destryd by gamma radiatn. And finally, for the PHILOLOGISTS: G IS FOR GERUND: Can any philologists tell me what a gerund is? And what's a philologist? Also, and did the Bible Code actually happen? HTE END

Surprise your friends and neighbours with this wonderful Breakfast Enhancements and Accessories Fake Breakfast. The only thing that's real in the Breakfast Enhancements and Accessories range is the wheatbread cracker and cheesY S.P.R.E.A.D.  - and these evergreen food items come with the kit. Everything else on the plate is made of polyurethane rubber. Flip over that little sunny-side-up egg on the plate, and it'll tell you that it's Made in South Korea. What a great way to fool your friends into thinking that you are eating a big breakfast. The omelettes are made from the very best quality stretch-rubber, and they wrap around towel racks or steering wheels for easy storage! To continue the charade, fill a mug or two with tomato ketchup or garlic & herb sauces and add milk for the effect of the ubiquitous breakfast soup. And don't be afraid to fake up fruit juices with some diluted cooking oil or grease, scraped from the bottom of the oven. See your flatmates or ne...

RAPPIN' FANTASTIC At a gig in an intimate club, two hip-hop artists were battling on the stage. One of them was rapping twice as fast as the other, still on beat; his rhymes more impressive at the rate he was delivering his poetry. Photo courtesy of fifties50s . Two music journalists at the event noted the speed of the rapper. "How does he do it?" one of them asked, in awe. "I think he's taken a pill," the other said, shaking his head. "Still...very impressive." "You think he's on drugs?" asked the first. "Course he is! Ecstasy! You never heard the expression: E = MC 2 ?"  The first music journalist pulled a raw, smoked haddock out of his jacket. "What's that for?" asked the second. The first journalist heaved the fish, slapping it across the second's face. "That's for telling your stupid joke," said the first. And they ALLLL lived HIP-HOP-HAPPILY EVER AFTER.