Tips to Eat your Way through Italy!

If you want to eat your way through Italy like that woman who wrote the book they made a movie out of with Julia Slobbers - yes, you know the one - that's right - her book! - then here are a few tips to set you on your way!

Tips are numbered in Italiano from the top down!

Tip Number Septic:

How to get to Italy? Why not make a tv ad looking for sponsorship?

Remember, if you're making a television ad, it's important to ensure that your onscreen dialogue is just a little bit out of sync with your audio. If you have the sound perfectly synchronised with the visuals, then people will regard your ad as a little shoddy in terms of post-production values.
 Gnocchi doesn't mean that you don't have a soul. It's a kind of delicious dish! (Photo courtesy of Hanna.)


Tip Number Sexto:

Remember always carry a can of pepperspray with you when you're in Italy in case you bump into lecherous media billionaire and political puppet master Silvio Berlusconi. If you happen to encounter Silvio and he won't leave you alone, make sure to check during the course of your conversation whether he has left his teeth in a glass in his palatial villa, or if he has them in his mouth. If he's left his pearly whites at home, it means that he's out and about looking for love from either gender.

Silvio doesn't care to admit his bisexualism, preferring instead to boast of affairs with dancing female embryos. And remember, his gummy face is known in Italy as "the Vice". For related reasons, Mr Silvio gets along really well with former President of America, Mr BJ Clinton! Bada bing bada boo!



So when it comes to Mister Berlusconi, always exercise caution - whether his teeth are in his mouth, on his bedside locker, or even on the streets of Milan!

(Pepper spray will also add a little zing to your pasta.)

Tip Number Mutande:

Make yourself less intimidating by making your name longer!

If your name is Bernie and you're a little aggressive and out there, appear less threatening by lengthening your name to Bernardino or Bernardito. This is a clever way to show off how cute you are!

The same goes for objects. If you don't like your spaghetti long, once you've attracted the waiter in the restaurant, then simply squint your eyes and put your index finger and thumb near each other, indicating something miniscule. Then simply utter the word "Spaghetititininini." We're sure that the chef will happily oblige, cutting the spaghetti up to make it more manageable for your refined palate.
Photo courtesy of Hanna

And remember, if you prefer your spaghetti a little less feminine, you can order the spaghetto. Little spaghettos are called spaghettotinitotos! So put in your order in the restaurant and see the reaction at your amazing linguine linguistic skills!

Tip Number Quattro:

If you're in the Piedmont region, and you're in a winery, be sure to ask the people who run the vineyard if they use the Nebbiolo grape in their wines.

Photo courtesy of Hanna
This grape comes from an area of the Piedmont that's prone to plenty of fog in the fall and winter months.

The grape itself develops a misty skin before it is harvested - another reason why the grape is called Nebbiolo. The grape name is derived from the Italian for "fog"!

The German word for fog is "Nebel" - as in the famous documentary about the Holocaust, Nacht und Nebel, or Night and Fog. Don't be afraid to bring up these points while you're in this wonderful Alpine region. Whenever you get the chance, steer the Italians away from their grape talk and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ask them about their involvement in the Second World War. If you fail to get answers, make sure to poke the Italian person in the chest or the shoulder to get their attention!






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Review: JIHADI A Love Story by Yusuf Toropov

Image
With a fantastic opening purportedly penned by a recently deceased narrator and edited via running commentary by a secondary narrator, JIHADI: A Love Story is written by Yusuf Toropov. The emotional intelligence of the main protagonist and the story itself are high on the list of pluses at the outset. Although many expectations are confounded throughout the story, the expectation of more confusion, while reading the opening pages, does not bear out. So if you find yourself asking: “What’s this about?”, just power on through the opening five pages. The quality of the writing will draw you in at the outset. But the plot is riveting, and it all starts to become fairly clear fairly quickly. It’s one of those novels that merits a second read not because of its difficulty, but because of the prose's beauty. In terms of plot, there is so much to it that there are things you may miss the first time out. Among much else, readers may find they are reading the novel for its story, and then
Read more

Dead Men Naked by Dario Cannizzaro

Image
Dario Cannizzaro’s narrator Louis, the protagonist of Dead Men Naked (available at Amazon ), loses his best friend Neil in a bizarre, seemingly hallucinogenic near-remote attack from an attic window as they stand in the same room, by Lou’s neighbour and a giant crow. Given the tequila and other substances taken, it is difficult to determine what exactly occurred through the narrator’s eyes. But Louis comes round the following morning worse-for-wear; he finds his friend’s body, realises that what happened was no dream, and summons the authorities to the scene. Strange beginnings complement a funeral where Neil’s parents end up consoling him as much as vice versa. On the trip, while Lou drowns his sorrows, he meets Mallory at a nearby, not-so-nearby dive, and begins an exploration of the spirit world. The journey is a theme in this novel, the roadside scenery described with a vivid and subtle poetry throughout. Also beautifully captured are aspects relationships – for instance,
Read more

The Survival Girls Book Review

Image
The Survival Girls book: http://thesurvivalgirls.com/ Among her other achievements, Ming Holden gained the top prize in a Glimmer Train fiction contest in 2013. The email announcing her win came into my busy inbox one morning last year, and I almost deleted it. I clicked on it, more to get it marked as read than anything else, and I glanced at some words of acceptance from the prizewinner of the latest story competition, with a quote from Madeleine Albright and something about the power of intentionality. “Politics and philosophy,” I thought. When I clicked through beyond the teaser (which DID NOT do her writing-advice piece justice, although quoting a Democrat-appointed cabinet secretary, and a bit of philosophy will - surprisingly - get me clicking at anything), there was a wonderful Obamaesque idealism in Holden’s jesuitical plea to write for others, once you have an intended readership in your head. That readership can be the EMO kids, the dispossessed, the refugees, the voice
Read more