Today’s Genius Toddlers Form Time Travelling Terrorist Organization

A group of infants and toddlers – many of them featured on present-day infomercials advertising pre-school reading and learning techniques – are believed to have travelled back in time as adults from the year 2037, after establishing a terror network in the future, with the intention of taking over the world within the next fifteen years.

The organization – already believed to be operating covertly at high levels of government in China, the United States, Iran and other world powers – may declare its presence publicly and globally within the next five years if it succeeds in the initial phases of its plan.

The 2010 “Your Baby Can Do Anything!” Infomercial features techniques developed by pediatrician Dr Ely Lipschitz, one of the foremost child experts of the present day. A range of DVDs and booklets sold in the infomercial in one large but portable “EduPak” teaches parents of very young children numerous methods by which the children can learn to read and count – oftentimes many months before they can even speak.

Photo by Mr.Thomas, used with permission

One ten month old child – Jade Gaskell of Tallahassee, Florida – is seen in the infomercial pointing at and reading a large card held by her mother that says “Face”. Without any discernible assistance, the infant then points at her own face. Jewel Gaskell, 28, is an intern at a Manhattan-based think tank. The think tank boasts 70s Nobel Peace Prize winning carpet bombing maniac Henry Kissinger among its board members.

Puppet Master?

Jewel Gaskell and Jade Gaskell are rumoured to be the same person. It is thought that Jade / Jewel travelled back in time with many more of today’s genius level toddlers to the present and has inserted herself into our timeline in order to alter history.

Some of the time travelling terrorists may have been prematurely aged in order to look older than their late twenties. This adds fuel to speculation that President Obama may be one of their number, as opponents to him – the “Birthers” – have long contended. A renegade time traveller named Kyle Chase – who never received a preschool education – claims that Barack Obama, then known as Amerigo Al-Attaq, was the second guinea pig to have undergone ageing therapy in the late 2030s. The first was an already elderly Ely Lipschitz.

It is feared that the shooting of Bozo two years ago may be related to President Obama's attempts at acquring more power. Bozo, the renegade “White House Chimp” who fled Washington DC after being undermined in a New York Post cartoon, had been shot dead by State Troopers at a Nevada brothel.

Bozo 1979-2009. Photo courtesy Dhammika Heenpella.

The chimpanzee was the only non-human to work in a public capacity in the Obama administration, and the only chimpanzee to be retained at the White House since the departure of President Bush, who surrounded himself with chimpanzee public servants. Chimpanzees have been employed as advisers to Republican presidents since the Reagan era. Reagan himself recognized the value of employing chimpanzees, having worked with them during his pre-political career in entertainment. In what some regard as a tokenistic acknowledgment, Mr Obama retained one chimp on his staff.

It is now believed that Bozo may have uncovered President Obama's time travelling secret. Since Bozo's death, two Missouri based sign language interpreters and a profoundly deaf banana salesman in Puerto Rico have also disappeared. All three had contact with Bozo while he was on the run.

Time Travelling Toddler Terrorist?

Some time in 2036, Lipschitz will have been scheduled to give a lecture at the Johns Hopkins Faculty of Psychology. He will be kidnapped before the event and put into the ageing device developed by today’s genius toddlers, where he will be horrifically reduced to first withered skin and bone, then to dust, in mere moments. The toddler terrorists’ leader, a man simply known as T, will then enter the conference hall accompanied by a dozen accomplices. He will stride to the podium and announce:

“Doctor Ely Lipschitz…has been unavoidably decayed.”

All those in attendance at the lecture will then be executed in their seats. The event will be the first incident in the “Academic Cull” of the late 2030s resulting in the deaths of over nineteen million scientists and doctors from all fields across the planet.

Whether Barack Obama willingly underwent premature ageing is not known by the whistleblowing Kyle Chase. The rumours dogging him before he was elected president suggest that he was born in Kenya in the year 2009 rather than Hawaii nearly half a century earlier. Indeed, all that is known for sure is that eight month old Amerigo Al-Attaq – bearing a striking resemblance to the leader of the free world – is seen in the 2010 “Your Baby Can Do Anything!” Infomercial. The child is reading the Quran in Arabic, comparing it with a Farsi version, and then declaring the second English translation that he has read far superior to the first. He then shows how he can turn his immaculately clean nappy (which he declares that he “no longer has any use for, in its primary function”) into a turban, before placing it atop his head. The infomercial ends with a close-up of the child’s happy face as he clutches the bars of his play pen, rocking himself back and forth contentedly and repeating the same mantra over and over:

            “Mama…mama…mama…”

The “Your Baby Can Do Anything!” Edupak can be ordered by phone or online, and is recommended for all parents and educators of pre-school children.