Activ Yoghurt Claims to Reduce Everything

The makers of Activ Yogurt, working at a laboratory at Bradford in England, have released footage of three unidentified women sitting on a couch at an unknown location, talking about feeling “bloated” after the consumption of a meal.

            “Sometimes after a meal, I feel a bit bloated,” one admits from what appears to be a softly lit television studio.

            “Yeah, there’s a kind of heaviness that sets in after meals occasionally,” a second woman adds, nodding her head vigorously.

            A third woman claims with a wince:

            “It’s not a nice feeling. It’s kind of…icky.”

In the past, women who felt bloated after meals were said to be fat. Claims made by these same women that strenuous exercise was made impossible by the fact that it was not ladylike to jiggle around the park in a track suit like the Michelin Man on speed, sweat pumping from every pore, were met with derision by medical experts everywhere, who pointed out that a lorry-driver’s paunch isn’t particularly ladylike either.

However, the newly developed Bivicus Digestivum Immunitas found in every pot of Activ Yoghurt is said to reduce stomach swelling after meals and aid in the digestive process. That's right: It contains good bacteria that is said to aid in digestion. Here's the science bit:

Everyone contains a natural balance of good bacteria and bad bacteria inside their bodies.

Sometimes, bad bacteria overpowers the body's good bacteria, running amok and localising the good bacteria to isolated regions of the body.

Activ Yogurt actively acts upon the bad bacteria by activating lots more good active bacteria, not only restoring the natural order of things, but actually positively activating them - TO THE MAX!

Amazingly, the “miracle culture” found in Activ Yoghurt is also scientifically proven to lower cholesterol when eaten as part of a healthy, balanced diet, combined with regular exercise. Scientists have known for years that a single cigarette, smoked daily, combined with a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise, reduced cholesterol. They also learned that half a tomato, stuffed with chicken meat, combined with a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise, reduced cholesterol. Only a month ago researchers made the discovery that the penile appendage of the kangaroo, marinated in carrot juice at a low temperature for three days, also had the same effect on cholesterol levels when eaten as part of a healthy diet, in conjunction with regular exercise. However, it is only now that the ground-breaking work carried out by the makers of Activ, shows that eating their product, under the same conditions, has the same incredible effect.