Ragtag Giggagon

The makers of Activ Yogurt, working at a laboratory at Bradford in England, have released footage of three unidentified women sitting on a couch at an unknown location, talking about feeling “bloated” after the consumption of a meal.             “Sometimes after a meal, I feel a bit bloated,” one admits from what appears to be a softly lit television studio.             “Yeah, there’s a kind of heaviness that sets in after meals occasionally,” a second woman adds, nodding her head vigorously.             A third woman claims with a wince:             “It’s not a nice feeling. It’s kind of…icky.” In the past, women who felt bloated after meals were said to be fat. Claims made by these same women that strenuous exercise was made impossible by the fact that it was not ladyl...

A Donegal based Polish woman on her way to a dinner party angered online newspaper readers over the weekend by leaving the scene of a hit and run accident on Friday. The woman, in her mid 20s, was driving at speed when a two year old was struck. She stopped her car, but left the scene of the incident while the two year old was clearly still seriously injured. Online headlines such as "Polish woman flees accident scene to attend party" and "Polish woman (27) parties all night after hit and run of two year old (2 and3/4 )" provoked readers to such anger that they clicked the links into actual newspaper articles so that they could glean further details. Some readers were even ready to start hating more than one Polish person. A Dublin based Czech cigarette dealer was even thought of with some negativity by an anonymous Irishman. The woman, who is known to locals as Ewelina (pronounced Ev-a-leen-a, not Yoo-leena), was unavailable for comment today as she was on a Bundor...

The Arts Council, in association with Aosdana and Northern Ireland’s Department of Culture, Arts and Leisure, has sentenced former Beirut hostage Brian Keenan to five years in prison after poor reviews of his recent work. In passing sentence, Justice Kearney Pilsudski expressed the hope that Keenan’s writing style would return to its former glory in an environment similar to the one that produced his masterpiece, An Evil Cradling . Although the costs of the incarceration will be shared by the Irish and British governments, Keenan’s human rights will be undermined to GitMo levels from the first day he enters his cell in order to both reduce the expense of his incarceration and improve the literary quality of his material upon release. He will spend most of his time blindfolded and chained to a radiator in order to replicate as closely as possible the conditions experienced when he was held for four and a half years by Islamic Jihad in wartorn Beirut. Mr. Keenan hasn't ...

The knee injury sustained by Norwich City defender Herkel Skrtel in yesterday's League match against Swansea has been deemed “not serious.” The 23-year-old Slovakia international was given oxygen before leaving the field on a stretcher during Norwich City’s 3-2 win over Swansea after a difficult fall on the edge of the Canaries' penalty area. A scan yesterday evening revealed minor damage to the posterior cruciate ligament in his right knee. A specialist assessed the extent of the injury and was unsure of the timescales involved in Skrtel returning to the squad. However, a press conference was called today at which Norwich City manager Paul Lambert ruled the knee “perfectly functional”. Norwich City Manager Paul Lambert The club physiotherapist held up the joint, stripped of skin and muscle, to display its lateral and flexion movement, and declared it “completely serviceable.” Skrtel's knee cap Skrtel, who died late last night after an adverse reaction to pain medication, i...

A group of infants and toddlers – many of them featured on present-day infomercials advertising pre-school reading and learning techniques – are believed to have travelled back in time as adults from the year 2037, after establishing a terror network in the future, with the intention of taking over the world within the next fifteen years. The organization – already believed to be operating covertly at high levels of government in China, the United States, Iran and other world powers – may declare its presence publicly and globally within the next five years if it succeeds in the initial phases of its plan. The 2010 “Your Baby Can Do Anything!” Infomercial features techniques developed by pediatrician Dr Ely Lipschitz, one of the foremost child experts of the present day. A range of DVDs and booklets sold in the infomercial in one large but portable “EduPak” teaches parents of very young children numerous methods by which the children can learn to read and count – oftentimes many months...