Ragtag Giggagon

Santa’s Last Stand (Part Three) Part Two here . Me Ma didn’t answer him. She’s still asleep, you could tell by her breathin’. I couldn’t believe that Santy knew me Ma, but when I think about it now, a lot of men know me Ma. I’s very quiet then as he stood up straight again. Then I think he must’ve seen me in the corner of his eye, lookin’ at him from the door, but he didn’t say nothin’ to me. He started actin’ more like Santy, playin’ it up for me. Ho ho ho, he says, in a deep voice. I think he puts on an act for the kids most of the time. He reached into his sack and then I could see it comin’ out in his hand. Blood Lust 2! He put it down beside the Christmas tree and says ho ho ho again. I’s very quiet then. He reached into his sack and he pulled out a Steven Gerrard Liverpool jersey! Number 17, his old number. Gerrard’s me favourite player but there’s all these stories goin’ round about him movin’ to the Blues. I hope he stays at Anfield. He says he doesn’t want to move. He likes be...

Santa’s Last Stand (Part Two) Part One here . Me Grandda was in the army, and he used to chop down trees in Wicklow and Wexford. He kept his axe and he gave it to me Da and Da hanged it on the wall. That was ages ago, before Da went away. The dwarf’s axe is much fancier. It’s got jewels on it and everythin’. When you use it in the Old West you can throw it coz the others have revolvers but you can’t throw it any other time. It’s a great way of killin’ Mad Dog McClellan coz the blood spurts out the top of his head when you do. Me Ma had a surprise for me on Christmas Eve. We’ll stay up and wait for Santy, she says. So she got a can of Dutch Gold out of the fridge and left it on the mantelpiece for Santy and she had her wine while we waited and we watched Santa Claus the Movie. I’s very excited waitin’ up for him, but the movie kept me mind off things. After the film, it was dark and I looked over and Ma was asleep on the couch. But I looked at her more closely and her eyes were a little...

Santa’s Last Stand (Part One) I scored me second goal at football practice one evenin’ when I looked in the sky on the other side of the goal and there was Santy’s sledge, trailin’ sparks of magic behind it. It flashed by very quick, an’ I’s the only one who seen it before it vanished. I couldn’t see Santy hisself, or his reindeers, it was too far away. But the coach says it was Santy. I says why is it Santy when it’s not Christmas yet? He says Santy has to collect the toys hisself from all over the world before Christmas. There are some toys like the normal toys we have in Ireland that the elves make but there are other toys made from goat-hair and that, that he has to get for the other kids. That’s what the coach says. So he collects the toys for the kids in Mongo Bongo but he makes the others. But that wasn’t the last I seen of Santy. After I scored me second goal we finished up. I’m the best striker on the team and nearly the best goalie. But when the real match comes, sometimes I...

Book review: The Thirteenth Step: Zombie Recovery Audiobooks also available here (UK) and at the Amazon.com presence here (US) . The humor is subtly satirical, the horror starkly brutal, and the writing impresses. If we're to judge a book by its cover, the novel's title plays with the concept of Twelve Step recovery and the negative associations of the number thirteen. That's a great start. There are any number of rules to writing. Michele W. Miller smashes two of them brilliantly in the opening chapters of her novel, The Thirteenth Step: Zombie Recovery. For a start, Pixar's fourth rule of their 22 is as follows: #4: Once upon a time there was ___. Every day, ___. One day ___. Because of that, ___. Because of that, ___. Until finally ___. Miller opens her novel at a New York lottery winners' press conference. Although not quite in the middle of things - as Homer would advise - the norm here is already not the everyday. A syndicate of tax auditors winning the lo...

Kim Ju-On: The Grudge 2 bares his fangs In a move of unparallelled brilliance, cyber-terrorists working for North Korea's Kim Ju-On: The Grudge 2 have hacked into the FONY Network Entertainment Network's network's network's network, to leak a series of emails that characterize studio executive Aimee Paschendale and movie producer Scrote Rudder as racist, snarky and inappropriate. In one email exchange between people and other people, with the subject SNORKLER WANTS TOM FUCKEN CRUISE, Aimee Paschendale describes Oscar-nominated actor Leonardo theDaVinciCode as "despicable" in turning down a jobs offer. Michael Airbender was discussed for jobs, but screenplay scribe Aaron Snorkler said he had never heard of Michael Airbender. Aaron Snorkler wanted Tom Cruise for jobs. In another thread of emails, Aimee Paschendale asked Scrote Rudder what she would discuss when she met President Obama at a fundraising breakfast at Jeffrey Katzenburger's house. Katzenbu...

In the first of our series of Politics Letters Pages, we have chosen the cream of the crop of correspondence from our hundreds of daily readers on the subject of - you guessed it - letters! Dear Editor, I didn't even know they had held an election in Afghanistan till I saw new Afghan president Ashraf Ghani Ahmadzai on television last night. I often have a headache thinking that I have to study up on new leaders in the world. Luckily, however, ca plus meme change, il fait pleut c'est meme chose . We have new president Ashraf Ghani Ahmadzai above. And lo and behold! We have former president, Afghanistani Hamid Karzai below! Hiya! It is very generous of the people of Afghanistan to elect a lookalike as they continue their long transition to internationally-sanctioned rule. Not only this, but "Ashraf Ghani Ahmadzai" sounds the exact same as "Afghanistani Hamid Karzai", at least to my eye! Luckily, I can still mumble "Hamid Karzai" in conversation witho...