Ragtag Giggagon

"The world doesn't revolve around on a buncha sposedas!" Germany's Angle a Mirkin cited history's judgement as one of many good reasons to let a crowd of refugees across the borders. Other reasons included but are not limited to - and this list is not exhaustive: What's on the horizon? Eh? Eh? Eh? 1. It would be wrong not to 2. Germany's 80 million-strong ageing population needs young Syrians to bolster up its back pillows 3. It's the right thing to do It was uncharacteristically emotion-driven policy, given Angle's reticence about speaking out about things. Angle spent decades of her life in the Eastrynn Demokakic Germany, having been born and raised there. Her paranoia about speaking before thinking can be traced to the fact that back in the day you couldn't say a damn thing about anyone or anything in case one of the most repressive intelligence and secret police agencies in world history was eavesdropping. Ahem. She has since backed down sl...

Barney Saunders is not the kind of a man you wanna mess with. He wears his suits like a male model. The kind of model in a display window, that isn't actually a model at all, but more of a wooden clothes horse with just a proper-looking head stuck on the top of it. This part-time scarecrow is drawing the crowds like Syrians coming to Germany. JFK was the first ten-in-a-bed president. "Ten-in-a-bed" of course refers to large Catholic Irish families, who would have to fit ten children in one bed in the Rare Aul Times. I dunno what you're thinking of, you pervy fruits! Obama is the first Dothraki-Khaleesi-Klingon-Coptic-Hindo unholy pope from the Kenyan-Malaysian archipelago. BUT could Barney be... The first COMMUNIST president? "¡No, no, no!" insists his staunchest opponent, former Secretary of State Madeleine Lewinsky. "¡I'LL be the next communist president! I will be ANYTHING." "Okay, I'm just gonna inject you with this Winde...

Take one Jake Lloyd in Star Wars: The Fanta Lemon. Gynanthropomorphize by 100 percent.     Add 10 years.   Enhance and diminish cuteness factors in a variety of ways to make the lad more appealing. Add a director who doesn't behave like Alfred Hitchcock did towards his cast, treating them like automatons made flesh. Or, indeed, the automatons that some of them are sposeda be.  And who, pray tell, are you left with? The fantastic and amazing Ridley Diddly! Is the resemblance intentional? If you can't see it in the pics above, you can certainly see it on the big screen. The Force Awakens is indeed everything that The Fanta Lemon ought to have been. For those who have lost their faith in the franchise, revisit it with this movie. The formula is followed - as seen in The Fanta Lemon, Star Wars and ROTJ - in a manner that turns it into the strongest of those films since Star Wars, and there's even a bit of fun pointing out these elements. T he character arcs impress. Dia...

"Okay, Jimmy - you take the very front, I'll hold the other grip here. Jan! Jan, could you, Lawrence and Angus take that one side and just stand a bit away and let Davy hold it? And Bob, you hold the other side...right! Like that, yes. Peter, George - is Frank alright with you boys standing in front of him? Okay. Margaret there, you hold their side please. Jeremy? Are you hanging onto the back, or pushing? Fantastic! Alright, everybody, start...wading!"

Here are some English-as-a-Second-Language Reporters, who offer advice on how to stay Fit! On office brakes, don't be afraid to get up and move around your desk. People will be very impressed in your fitness when you do this method! They think you are quite the big man if you get up during brekka and perform these motions: Instead of eating your lunch, why shift your entire desk's position in the office plan? Because moving your desk across the office will build muscle mass! Stick to your Fitness Schedule Write up your schedule, and stick it to the front of your shirt. If you're forgetful in looking down, stick it on the back of your shirt. Then others will say "Hey Boss, what's that on the back of your shirt?" Then you say "Oh yes, this is my schedule!" and peel it off the back of your shirt, and realize that you must presently run away for your schedule. Anyone who points out that you had something stuck on your back will be very impressed with thi...

Did you know? The Jesus Christ known to the world today is very different to the man who lived towards the tail testament of the Bible. Here are some facts about Jesus whose birthday was celebrated yasterday! Yasterday indeed! Jesus was born in a stable according to the Christians and in a cave according to the Muslims. But according to some secular historians - in keeping with the mystical and miraculous traditions of Catholicism - Jesus wasn't born at all.   According to the bastard Gospels, Jesus is said to have beaten an old friend into a coma for the coveting of his wife, Mary Magdalene. When Lazarus fell unconscious, Jesus then beat the old man back out of his coma, "in order to dole him a further smiting". While Jesus regaled a small group of lawyers outside of the courthouse with the humble story of the Good Samaritan, three of his disciples - Matthew Levi, Judas Iscariot and Much the Miller's Son - went around the group picking pockets as the barristers liste...

With a fantastic opening purportedly penned by a recently deceased narrator and edited via running commentary by a secondary narrator, JIHADI: A Love Story is written by Yusuf Toropov. The emotional intelligence of the main protagonist and the story itself are high on the list of pluses at the outset. Although many expectations are confounded throughout the story, the expectation of more confusion, while reading the opening pages, does not bear out. So if you find yourself asking: “What’s this about?”, just power on through the opening five pages. The quality of the writing will draw you in at the outset. But the plot is riveting, and it all starts to become fairly clear fairly quickly. It’s one of those novels that merits a second read not because of its difficulty, but because of the prose's beauty. In terms of plot, there is so much to it that there are things you may miss the first time out. Among much else, readers may find they are reading the novel for its story, and then ...

Every year, the concept of Happy Slapping is growing more and more neglected. Some people are even saying it's as old as Santa's hat. This year - before it's too late - why not call a child Mr. Toilet, give him a good happy slapping, and then run away? Please support my Happy-Slap A Child This Christmas campaign.

Mourinho has paid the price for his arrogance, as has been discovered over the last two days as he had a dip in his psychological strength. In a series of interviews as he departs Chelsea, he dropped his armour and the bombshell as it became apparent what actually drives him to success, and what his irrational fears are. Check out the quotes below: "Iraqi Scud missiles from the Saddam regime are decommissioned," he said, as the mask fell away. "I am not decommissioned. There is the difference. I am ready to fight, and I have a lot of fight, and I play to win. Iraqi Scud missile attack fears notwithstanding. And who would be afraid? It is irrational because they are no longer a threat." "I am statistically three times as long delivering the goals [this season]," he explained. "This is why I need to make my walk away from the dug-out into more open area where is less likely to be containment, but ironically more damage in the dug-out itself, from blast ...

Look at you! Born yesterday back in the latest 80! Along with all the other Taylors: Lautner, Momsen, James...Taylor. And you named your latest album after it! Such talent and beauty! Here in your honor are some late 80s-era terrible jokes: 1. Apartheid 2. Ewoks (That one is timeless.) 3. Kylie Minogue as a great singer. (She has since improved vocally.) 4. All these conspiracy theories and urban myths about viruses being created by a committee of scientists or shadowy world governments? Rubbish! But mad cow disease was definitely caused by a meating of minds! Science fact: Back in the day, the cows were eating dead cows' brains in their mulch. If you eat human brains (or any brains, for that matter) it's a health risk you run, developing the human form of thingy. Bungee Spongee Encephaloppatty. Or CJD as it's known. Creuzfeld Yakking Disease. MOOOO! 5. Marty McFly walks into a bar. He moonwalks around, and causes a spitoon to fly into the air, covering Buford Tannen with...

What to say to the child who asks for a chocolate maker for Christmas: Explain about sustainability and how the cocoa farmers of Bolivia will be out of work if you have some kind of magic chocolate maker with an endless supply.  Ask the child:  "Do you think chocolate grows on trees? Well it does, actually. Have you ever heard of Fair Trade? Have you heard of social solidarity? No? With that level of ignorance, you'll be making chocolate well into your eighties, as the dessert cook at the European restaurant in Liaoning Province you'll be forced to work in, to send money home to your family! "And what about Fat Marjorie, removing the damaged Strawberry Dreams from the Roses on the conveyor belt down at the Cadbury's factory? She wouldn't have anything to scoff if we make it all here ourselves." Tell the child you don't like "the attitude".  "Ambitions about chocolate making? Who are you? Willy Fricken Wonka? You remind me of the Johnny ...

Rumours are rife that German discount supermarket chain Lidl has started an instore drugs prevention programme across the island of Ireland. The pickled herring and ski-mask vendor has begun the process of rearranging the items in each store so that supermarkets have a unique layout. Dishwasher tablets The policy of "No two supermarkets will look the same" may seem like madness, but there's methadone to it. Already, shoppers have remarked upon the more "higgledy-piggledy" arrangement of products instore. These layout changes made by management at each outlet -- however -- prevent shoppers being unwittingly "wormholed" by vile drugged-up junky-monkey gangs yoked off their tits on bong hits. Wormholing involves an aspiring grocery shopper being tranquilised in one store by the sick psycho-pranksters, before being taken to another store with the same Flight suits and MIG fighter jets, both available at Lidl layout, where they are given the impression - on...

I've been sent details of a short story contest by the wonderful  @LiteraryStriver and it got me thinking about not winning them. It also got me thinking about what to send contests that exclude stories with profanity and gratuitous scenes, which is something I saw online at another competition source. "We don't want racism or blah blah." A short story doesn't make YOU racist or violent or profane. But they don't accept them? It's dealer's choice, but unless the contest is aimed at children (either as readers or writers) I don't feel that any competition should include any censoring rules of this nature. In fact, I strongly advise that you send any story contest with such a disbarment a package in the mail containing: An acorn, buried in your own shit, with a little flag sticking out that reads "A Mighty Oak". Send them that.   Is Taxi Driver a good movie? You don't have to LIKE it to see its depth, the nuances in character and po...