Ragtag Giggagon

Reports suggest that Liverpool striker Luis Suarez was underfed by Liverpool dieticians during the entire Premiership season. Nutrition experts in the UK are still uncertain as to how much food certain international players ought to eat, based on their BMI and childhood diets; Suarez is among this fraction of undernourished players playing at the top level. The problem arises because obesity in the West has yet to take hold in regions such as South America, Africa, and parts of Asia. It is a source of contention at the Kop, as Argentina's Javier Mascherano departed for Barcelona last season, where he was told he could eat whatever he wanted. The formerly starving former Liverpool player went on to win the Champion's League with his new Spanish Catalan club. During the Uruguay World Cup campaign, Mr Suarez has been biting unusual things such as his hotel headboard, extra small, already morsel-sized bananas, and the tongues of Uruguay colleagues Diego Godin and Alvaro Pereira. T...

SCIENCE NEWS Scientists have recently revealed that sitting for long hours watching a computer screen can result in the condition known as heaemoeiarrheaioids in the UK, and "piles" according to US spelling and pronunciation conventions. Researchers speculate that such lumpal rectal lumpal structures are believed to be the result of viewing pixellated screens for longer than is healthy every day over the course of a long period. "The pixels somehow go through the eyes and flush down the system before they irritate the bowels on the molecular level," claimed buttocks expert Janet Smith - known as an "analyst". Numerous cases of the condition have been discovered in clerical workers, who sit for hours in a sedentary position, watching their computer screens. "Watching the screens definitely changes the structure of the bum," insisted Smith (34). "Most of those who came forward were sitting in front of a computer for long hours. We're just ...

French President Francois Hollande met theatre actress Zasi Bonheure, 27, for a light early-bird meal at three pm yesterday in a cafe on the banks of the Seine. The French actress enjoyed a salad with the head of state, who picked at a minibaguette - also called a breadstick, and a pickle from her dish as she begged him to take their relationship more seriously. They also discussed the pending 70th anniversary celebrations of D-Day, and the rave reviews Mlle Bonheure is currently earning for her theatre role in a version of Sartre's La Putain respecteuse . The French head of state - known in France as "France wa Zullund" - because that's how they pronounce his name - then went on to meet Russian president Vladimir Putin at the Champs Elysee. Mr. Putin - himself en France to attend the D-Day celebrations - echoed the delight of Mr. Stalin at the time, in 1944, who had been clamouring for another front to open up in the war against Mr. Hitler since 1940. "Why is th...

The 2014 "Picture Mountain" [WINK] Group Meeting took place in Copenhagen last week.   None of the Marvel superheroes were represented, and S.H.I.E.L.D. has been wiped out by "Picture Mountain" [WINK] Group HYDRA. Or has it? What we do know is: The Spanish Queen may have been there. George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, was there. Google's Eric Schmidt was there. Peter Mandelson was there. A LinkedIn guy was there. The Supreme Allied Commander of NATO, General Breedlove, was there. Goldman Stanley were there. Mormon Sacs. Stonedly Morgan Gandly. Or whatever. What did ALL these people - alongside such stalwarts as Henry Kissinger and the Honorable and Undead Margaret Thatcher LG OM PC FRS RIP – discuss at the meeting as part of their future plans? Purchase Re/Rogaine for Tony Blair's head so that his testosterone levels remain high - it is imperative that he maintains misplaced self-confidence in all of his work. Continue to provide GW Bush with th...

Last week's "Image Mountain" Group meeting in Copenhagen was attended by Simon Coveney, the Irish Agriculture Minister. Mr. Coveney gave details of some of the meals that were enjoyed by the guests, including steak - which Mr. Coveney was later informed was horsemeat - an array of Danish hams, bacons and porks - which Mr. Coveney was surprised to learn later was in fact horsemeat, and platters of seasonal vegetables from Northern Europe - which Mr. Coveney described as "having the texture and taste of beef, but sweeter." A sing-song took place until 3 am at the conference location over the weekend, but Simon was dapper enough to show up just four hours later, to discuss the conference in an RTE interview outside the hotel. Unfortunately, the minister of agriculture's voice was too hoarse to give a full description of the events. Ireland's former prime minister Brian Cowen - who was listening to the program on the Player - attempted to twe...