Ragtag Giggagon

Who could best be described as the Afrikaans equivalent of Tom Cruise? Tom Kroos! But let's stop kidding around here, folks: Would you like to eat a little bit of Tom Cruise? Courtesy Gage Skidmore So would I! If everyone who wants to eat a little bit of Tom Cruise got together, we could make it happen! Here's how it works: They KILLED A GIRAFFE in DENMARK using the EXACT SAME METHOD! And they fed the big giraffe to the LIONS at Copenhagen Zoo. It's the EXACT SAME SYSTEM, EXCEPT TOM CRUISE IS THE GIRAFFE, AND WE'RE THE LIONS!!! RARRGGHHH! Marius the Giraffe isn't alone - every year, thousands of healthy animals are put to death in Europe's zoos because they require more genetic variance than the British Royal Family! Hence the recent Facebook protest, where everyone had a giraffe pic - AS A REMINDER, LEST WE FORGET! MARIUS R.I.P. [MARIUS PHOTO WITHHELD BY ZOO.] If we can lure Tom Cruise to Denmark under the pretense of promoting a movie, and put him to sleep acc...

AN EARLY CHILDHOOD CHAPTER 27 PART 3: A VISIT FROM AN ARCH ENEMY? Continued from Part 2 . Dyll returned to the flat twenty minutes later, with a bag of quality luncheon meats and bread, a high intensity, Dental Hygiene Association approved drill, two packets of forty pairs of ski-masks (the goggle kind), a ukulele, a calculating machine, a sock full of sauer Polish chickengoose bubble wrap, and a rumour.                 “I heard Colonel Coote Decker just fled my apartment, boys! Something about a haunting! He’s coming back with the chief of the Paranormal Investigation Squad! The last thing I need is a visit from that PIS Head!” she said. “He claims a ghost bride attacked him in bed! What’s going on?” Her hands were on her hips in anger. Cousin Barney and I exchanged glances, shrugging. Then her dog appeared. The big beast looked perfectly normal, with the exception of the fact that he still had a bridal garter ...

In a survey of 208 women at a total of three events, 76% claimed that a new anti ageing skin serum was better than their current skin cream. However, it has been discovered that of that 76% - comprising 158 of those surveyed alongside an elderly woman's head - a large majority ticked the box for a variety of reasons beyond their own opinions. Serum tub (magnified x 10) (There was actually little confidence in the new serum.) At one of the market research events, a woman arrived late, telling everyone around her as they sat through a presentation that she was "fit to burst with the bladder on me". She spent a lot of time squirming and tapping her leg on the floor. At the first opportunity, when the handsome facecream salesman turned to look at the details from an overhead projector slide, she ticked the Yes boxes on her questionnaire and quickly dashed to the toilet. "She would never have made a show of herself with men around!" one of the other women was heard t...

 AN EARLY CHILDHOOD CHAPTER 27 PART 2: A VISIT FROM AN ARCH ENEMY? Continued from here !  An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock surreal autobiography. Its first chapter is here . It parodies misery memoirs (such as Angela’s Ashes by the late great Frank McCourt), as well as science fiction, pop culture, and literature of various kinds. After getting out of her wedding dress and back into her bra n knicks, Dyll pulled open the door. "Allo, allo, allo!" boomed the voice of Colonel Coote Decker, First Earl of Mountwrath, a veritable Englander of Hiberno descent, and one of my mortal enemies. He stormed into the apartment, Barney and myself scrambling to get underneath the bed. Dyll escorted him in, giving us enough time to hide. He was in a policeman's uniform - apparently his civilian job when he wasn't with the Terrorterrible Army, as was the name for the part timers in His Beardy Majesty's service, even if they were high ranking officers! "I can...

Journalist Dyeaarmwadge McMweerkhhhadda made a striking point in an interview late last year: "I was talking to this class of kids, and the teacher put them up to it, to ask the questions about whether I'm a social fabric conditioner kind of guy or a kind of a homophonic spree. I think it might've been because he fancied me, the teacher. They're very capricious, these people. One moment, they're turned on by you, the next, they turn on you. And next thing, him and his boyfriend, and his boyfriend's boyfriend, they're all at you. But a little French fella in the classroom, he was asking me about equality. He says to me, he says: "You 'ave Gherryguld 'ere? A puh-puh-puh!" he said. "We ALL want Gherryguld!" And he only had butter, to use, as a social lubricant, in front of him in his little, his little boite de dejeuner . "I said I don't have a problem with equality. But I said to him, the little French lad, I explained to ...