Ragtag Giggagon

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: A TRIP TO TIR NA nOG, OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT (PART THE FIFTH)  An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock, surreal autobiography by a fictional Irish literary figurehead, champion bodhrán player and broadcaster. Continued from Chapter 1 5 Part 4 .              Mad Leopold looked back at me.             “Is that all it is, Drake?” he shouted at me. “Open your eyes, man! HOW CAN YOU BE SO BLIND?”             “I didn’t eat breakfast and my blood sugar is a little low,” I heard myself say.             There was suddenly a depiction of the L ast S upper f ad ing in to my vision , as dramatic music started to play.               I heard Mad Leopold continue:  ...

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: A TRIP TO TIR NA nOG, OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT (PART THE FOURTH) An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock, surreal autobiography by a fictional Irish literary figurehead, champion bodhrán player and broadcaster.   Continued from Chapter 1 5 Part 3 . Photo by Douglas Marsh .              The fox’s voice became gruffer and more sinister as he said:             “An old violinist is found hanging from a tree on the plains, his genitals lopped from his personage.”             I found myself in a museum suddenly, dressed in a tweed jacket and scarf, standing before a violin in a glass display case, frowning in confusion. I could hear the fox’s disembodied voice ringing in my ears:             “His instrument...

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: A TRIP TO TIR NA nOG, OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT (PART THE THIRST) Continued from Chapter 1 5 Part 2 .             I found myself on a depressingly grey plain, my throat very dry, standing beside a figure and before an animal – both of whom I only sensed slightly before I found my bearings.             The moor was bleak and dark, with lightning flashes on the horizon.             An Asian man – with a sheet of paper hanging from his forehead , over his eyes – was moaning.             There was also a fox sitting before me, his black tipped tail wrapping around his hind legs. Ph otography by Steve Wing.             “Who are you?” I asked the Asian man. There was no r...

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: A TRIP TO TIR NA nOG, OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT (PART THE SECOND) An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock, surreal autobiography by a fictional Irish literary figurehead, champion bodhrán player and broadcaster.   Continued from Chapter 1 5 Part 1 .              “So what do I need to know about the other-worldly realm?” I shouted, trying to change the subject, just a little.             “Right, well, in Fantasy Land,” he roared back, still a little annoyed , “In Fantasy Land, a minute of our time probably adds up to a month in Fantasy Land.”             “Is that kind of like the seasons in Australia, compared to here?”             “No. And if you get into another realm beyond fantasy land, the time factor ...

A grey haired Barack Obama's inauguration speech was rudely interrupted last night as he was sworn in a second time as president. The president is accustomed to disrespect from political opponents, but this time Mr. Obama himself interrupted the proceedings. America's Kenyan-American leader heaved himself onto all fours with a spine tingling scream, split apart his own trousers with his bare hands and gave birth to what is believed to be his third child, his first delivered maternally. Moments after this photo was taken of President Obama sucking air into his mouth, he screamed and fell to his knees. Live news footage shows a shocked Mr. Obama looking down as a bawling and startled newborn emerges from between his legs. Gasps from the crowd were audible before a smartphone was lobbed at the president's head - from a young woman who had moments before been an ardent supporter of the POTUS. The footage - from CBS, NBC, Fox, ABC, and numerous other media corporations - is c...

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: A TRIP TO TIR NA nOG, OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT (PART THE FIRST) An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock, surreal autobiography by a fictional Irish literary figurehead, champion bodhrán player and broadcaster. Continued from Chapter 14 Part 6 .               Little Billy Boy “Bad to the Bone” Cullen came knocking on my door. He was wearing his BabyGro, his legs a little splayed by a big bulging nappy, with a stripy engineer’s cap atop his slightly mulleted head, a small school satchel on his back and a clipboard in his hands.             “Yes, Billy?”             “I’ve got an opening for yeh!” sez Billy, doodling a quick motorcar on his clipboard as if ticking something off a list.             “An opening?”...

An International Horse and Cattle Boxing Tournament - located primarily in France - has been exposed through a pan-European food hygiene investigation. Headed up by Jamie Oliver and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the investigation's discoveries are so shocking that both chefs have been recently fast-tracked firearms licences and weapons by their Antwerp-based umbrella group, the Special Regulations Office for Wholefoods (TaskForce), which will re-locate its headquarters to Brussels in a few months' time. A SPROWT officer, speaking on condition of anonymity as he lacks the authority to publicise operations, declared: "We've had to enlist Heston Blumenthal in support. We still need an official greenlight, but Heston is so disgusted that he has started work in England using centrifuges to create the kind of weaponry that his colleagues will require to fulfil their objectives. We're turning a blind eye to all of this for the moment." Then he winked. "I'm wi...

In the same week that pork was sent to the UK for tests due to dioxin contamination, it was revealed that corrupt Donegal Gardai were to begin re-training by Scotland Yard in an effort to curb their mendacious behaviour. Back in 2008, corruption was so rife in every aspect of Irish culture that police officers would never be trained here with a total lack of bias. The Gardai underwent a series of examinations in London that were completely unrelated to the pork tests being carried out to see if Irish pig products were carcinogenic. However, little was done to exploit a tenuous link between cancerous pork and the corrupt Donegal officers of the law. The Morris Tribunal - established to investigate police corruption - would have overseen the examinations undertaken by Scotland Yard. Unfortunately, however, in early October of the year, the Morris Tribunal collapsed in on itself to become a black hole. Because certain allegations made to the tribunal were without foundation, and others ...

A baby dolphin - christened "Golfin" by his rescuers - fell from the sky to land on the fifteenth green of a golf course outside Hastings, Nebraska yesterday. The marine mammal - usually native to the Pacific - was placed in a wheelbarrow that was quickly converted into a bath before being taken away from the par five hole to a local aquarium center operated by a Caribbean registered company. Image sourced from Wi kipedia . The fishlike airbreather - at most no more than a year old - is believed to have fallen from the talons of a bird of prey. It is also possible that the dolphin may have been sucked up into a tornado - or a sea based, similar whirlwind phenomenon known by fishermen and those who work in and near the sea off the Netherlands coastline as a "watersprooet". The fifteenth green of the Kirkland Golf Resort first rose to prominence in 1987, when golf legend Jack Nicklaus lipped out of a sixty two foot putt to miss an eagle. More than a decade later, the ...