Ragtag Giggagon

In an international fit of pique by the Icelandic government - or a "Taantraum Crusswerlde" - a crack SWAT team from the elite echelons of Iceland's police force have seized former German Chancellor Gerhard Schroder at his Hanover home, transporting him from the continent across the Atlantic Ocean. His kidnapping - taking place on a small ship built from biodegradable materials so that it is undetectable to radar and sonar - will result in his remaining in a Reykjavik prison for unspecified crimes for the rest of his natural life. The international incident is seen as a reaction by the Icelandic government to their own former prime minister Geir Haarde failing to receive a custodial sentence for mismanagement of the economy during the world recession. Gerhard Schroder's name sounded similar enough to Geir Haarde's that it upset members of the Icelandic Althing, or parliament - except he has a Schroder on the end of his Gerhard. Special legislation - and a quick s...

When Aidan O'Farrell took his phone in to the local shop for repair, he removed the memory card before handing it over. The mobile device had been causing trouble, as it kept crashing due to what Aidan believed was loose external housing. Taking the memory card home in his wallet, he is convinced that he put the piece of storage technology in what he thought was a "safe place." On receiving the phone from the repair shop a week later, he went searching for the tiny storage chip again, but failed to locate it. Aidan now believes that he may have accidentally cooked and eaten the memory card, along with a large plate of Koka noodles. One of the potential "safe places" in which O'Farrell could have left the memory card is a cooking pot in which he often boils the noodles. He thinks that he removed the pot from his kitchen cabinet and - believing it entirely empty - threw the noodles into the pot and began to boil them in hot water, mixing the tiny chip around i...

You wouldn't know it to look at Little Suki, but the adorable kitten of the Carter household is at the centre of a minor mystery concerning the family's not so cute pet Chilean spider. Photo by Edri Ana Everybody loves Suki. Family members often recount to friends how she sometimes jumps up to snatch the end of a piece of string with her cute front paws, before failure prompts her to fall onto her cute little hind quarters, resulting in everyone's laughter. Photo by Edri Ana But only 17-year-old Kenny Carter is a fan of four month old Scylla, the spider he picked up at the pet store when Suki was bought for sister Melissa, 11. Suki tends to instinctively avoid Scylla when the Chilean spider is let out of her cage in Kenny's bedroom. However, a week after moulting, Scylla went missing for two hours. When she was finally found in a crawl space under the stairs, she had lost one of her eight legs and she didn't want to be handled by Kenny. The end of what could have be...

Disguises can be found everywhere in nature. They help creatures to cleverly camouflage themselves against their many predators. One famous example is the stick insect, whose disguise is so clever it’s been known to fool even its predators. But disguises aren’t exclusive to the insect kingdom. In the sea, large pieces of igneous rock with high mineral content frequently masquerade as delicious wild salmon. A piece of rock Meanwhile, the Boom Chiki Diggetty tribe from Central Africa has been known - when attempting to evade ethnic cleansing by rival factions - to take on the guise of a once-profitable Japanese consortium fallen on hard times by the low costs of China’s burgeoning economy. Photo courtesy of Kevin Chang The African bird called the Southern Masked Weaver is known as the Northern Slightly Disguised Weaver if located north of the equator. This is because its cousin, which is the actual Northern Masked Weaver, has what appears to be a large leather covering akin to a gimp mas...

Two years ago the TV3 exposé "Errant Sea Rescue" revealed how Irish Air and Sea Rescue teams are so terrified of launching into stormy weather that they insist on drinking heavily before answering any distress calls. Today, mission commanders - known in Ireland as "sub-corporals" - admit that the problem is worse than ever. "Institutionalised drinking is very difficult to tickle," one female lifeboat paramedic admitted, before bursting into laughter. "Did you hear me? Did you hear what I said there? Feckin'... LOCKED!" The woman subsequently lost her balance and fell over the wall on which she had been sitting, remaining reclined on its other side, shaking with laughter, before finally being summoned by colleagues for a rescue mission. The problem has become so acute that rescue teams often insist on those they save also getting drunk before they are rescued, so that they are less likely to notice the drunkenness of their rescuers. "We w...

In what is regarded as the conspiracy to end all conspiracies, a group of five UK-based Muslims scheduled to set sail tomorrow for the United States on a cruise liner from Southampton to New York will be forced to drown when the ship is deliberately struck by a replica iceberg. Some of the players - and the victims - in the controversy In today's European Court of Human Rights ruling at Strasbourg, Babi Koko, Duck-go Gogo Go Duck Go, Bubbubbuh Bubbubbuh, GuhGuhGuh GuhGuhGuh and Pffff, Pffff, Pffff Puh-uh-Buh POB al bin Mohehehmet j-Mohammad, have all been deemed fit for extradition to the United States. A sixth Muslim, Bar-Bar-Bar Bar-Bar-Bra-Anne, is regarded as mentally unfit and will not be joining the party. Tragically, a psychiatric assessment undertaken by the UK courts has suggested that he has become so deluded - due to institutionalisation - as to actually believe in God, having been caught praying on at least five separate occasions in one day. The five Muslims - some of ...

Trainer and former jockey Wee Little Mickey Mullens fears Larry The Chancer Harte-Murphy’s Grand National talking horse Squawky Jerry Goldberg has been mistreated by the handicapper despite bookmakers pushing him to favourite for the Aintree showpiece. Photos courtesy of Marilyn Peddle The major betting shops have the Northern Rock Failed Takeover Bidders’ Chase runner-up as their new 10-1 favourite even after senior handicapper James Barrington-Smythe nee Smythe cruelly removed a horseshoe. Other betting shops make the four-year-old their 14-1 market leader at the 2012 Grand National following the release of weights at a lunch in the toilets at the Ivy in London, where Squawky Jerry Goldberg is much loved due to his amazing speaking ability, but Mullens expressed reservations about the horse’s lack of experience. After finishing fourth over the hurdle-bushes at Ascot last October, the four-year-old has only raced twice this year, Mullens pointed out, in one race getting a painless vic...

A third mother lost her life last night as she visited the scene of her son's death on an island off the Mayo coast. Four men in their mid 20s were killed at the scene last July as they were swept into waters after falling from the clifftop. Eye witnesses reported how the men had been hurling stones into the waters below. One of them had pulled at a rock that was in fact embedded into the clifftop, and a large chunk of the cliff subsequently fell away - along with the four men - into the water. The retirement age mother had recently determined that she ought to see the site of her son's demise, and visited the scene only to fall to her own death yesterday evening. Witnesses claim that she was blown from the cliff by a sudden gust of wind that first swept a wig off her head, and - as she tried to catch the hairpiece - threw her off balance, sending her into the blustery waters and sparing her some embarrassment. Photo by Irene Chaney The third mother to die visiting the site, it...