Ragtag Giggagon

Scientists have noted that the common mouse is so short in length that when it passes flatulence, the smell of the mouse’s brain can be detected in the expiring gas. This is because the mouse’s brain aromas, or cerebral rodential emissions, have far less distance to travel than that of more elongated species. For this reason, male mice of high intelligence tend to flatulate a lot in order to prove their IQ to fertile females in the area. More dim-witted male mice, who don’t know any better, tend to flatulate just as much. * Theraphosa blondi, the world’s largest spider, is famed for eating birds’ eggs and even chicks in branches high above the Amazon jungle’s forest floor. However, due to intensive deforestation and massive city expansion near Sao Paolo, Brazil, the aggressive arachnid has taken to leaving upmarket bistros without paying for four-course meals. This is no accident of nature. On being confronted on one occasion with the bill for a steak dinner by the restaurant manager a...

In the mirror universe, Taoiseach Inda Kinny was in Washington presenting President Obama with a certificate of authentic Irish ancestry. When Obama piped up that the certificate would have pride of place alongside his birth certificate, the Taoiseach didn't get the joke but he covered it up really well by looking at the certificate of Irishness to see if President Obama's date of birth was on the cert, and if so, to make sure that it was accurate. Obama claims that the certificate of Irishness will take pride of place alongside his birth certificate. Laughter from the press, with Kinny looking confused and wondering "WTF? Have the Irish disgraced themselves yet again?" Confusion cover-up with laughter and a quick check to see if the disgraceful Irish got Obama's date of birth wrong.

Debate over Traditional Latin Mass may cause rift in Catholic Church Photo by Irene Chaney A massive split may occur within the Catholic Church later this year after confidential polls taken at the Vatican suggest that some cardinals are "patently unhappy" with Pope Benedict's decision to revive the pre-1962 "Latin Mass" as an Extraordinary Rite. Waterford priest Father Luke Regan, 47, feels uneasy about reintroducing the Tridentine Mass - which is now an option available to priests - as he feels that it is antiquated. "We want to shake things up a bit in the church," Regan explains. "Fancy robes, fancy candles and fancy Gregorian chants do not an interesting Mass make. I want to focus on the local news and events from the pulpit. Last Sunday, I wanted to talk about the young fellas travelling up to Roscommon for the hurling and winning their game, but Father Casey, the PP, told me in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to make any reference...

Northern Ireland was brought before the international courts yesterday for impersonating Australia. The province was found to be masquerading as a map of the much larger landmass in a sting operation undertaken by a unit of the International Map Surveying and Dialects Institute in Berne and the Police Service of Northern Ireland (known as the Penis NI). Northern Ireland above, masquerading as a map of Australia Members of the Institute's unit almost immediately recognized glaring errors on the map, but on zooming in on just a few of the Australian states, they also agreed that the map's wording was more in keeping with a standard Ulster accent, rather than more conventional English. For example, the state of New South Wales was rendered as "Nyoo Soyth Weels", a clear indicator of a beautiful lilting Fermanagh twang at best - and at worst, a horrific, guttural, moany, whiny excuse for the English language. Northern Ireland now faces a possible prison sentence, as it ha...

Many people suffer headaches and they just want them to end. But what if you feel a headache coming on, but it's just an annoying mild pain, rather than a strong migraine? Having a headache that's more of a niggling encumbrance can be even more annoying than a full blown, thumping pain. Some people would argue that having a stabbing migraine feels so much better than having a - let's face it - a half hearted kind of a headache. It's like the difference between reading search engine optimized content from a substandard writer who is employing the term "headache" as a keyword, spinning out a lot of crap, and reading a properly researched and well informed article that isn't trying to manipulate search engines headache . So now you want a really bad headache, right? You want a sharp and intense pain, rather than the dull ache that you have right now? Well, there are some wonderful tablets available on the market today that can help your headache along. These ...

Four years ago, cigar chomping Hollywood director producer Harvey Brickheimer-Emmerich commissioned a biotechnology firm with the development and rearing of a super-massive ant. Two entomologists, three veterinarians, seven cattle ranchers, and a retired circus master were hurt in the making of the ant, as it was matured through a combination of gene therapy and DNA hybridization techniques. It is intended that the ant will launch a franchise of horror movies, and that its size will allow the films' director-producer to keep the costs of computer generated imagery low. Photo courtesy Alex Rauch "CGI is old hat," claims Brickheimer-Emmerich, as we discuss his new project in a Hollywood restaurant with enough variety on the menu to satisfy the entire Topeka KA chapter of Elvis impersonators celebrating the 25th anniversary of the King of Rock & Roll Fan Club. However, the fan club's celebrations had taken place last year at an entirely different location . Today, un...

A report published by the Central Statistics Office details a massive rise in the employment of illegal immigrants by private security companies, with figures more than tripling in the last three years. Photo: Irene Chaney 2012 figures show that security firms in the Republic of Ireland provided work for as many as two foreign nationals who resided in the state illegally. By 2015 - the last year for which figures are available - that number had leapt to seven. The data collected suggests that both EU and non-EU nationals are working in the sector. Unconfirmed data suggests that as many as an eighth man could be working as a security guard in the North.

Media magnate Rupert Murdoch - who is going through some of the most humbling experiences of his life lately - has decided to permit his tv journalists to film to-camera pieces from their Death Star base currently orbiting Earth, if they have no need to leave the off-planet headquarters of News International Corporation Sky Fox International Congloberation. For decades, it was believed that Murdoch had notions about his power that were above his station. They weren't. Reports now filed from Death Star. In a new culture of openness, Murdoch's admission that his satellite network is complemented by the massive space station comes after months of speculation about his empire's tenuous future. It is obvious now, however, that his power is ubiquitous. The orbiting news station's purposes extend to astronomy. Monitoring the skies for celestial bodies such as asteroids and comets that could strike the Earth, it calculates which astronomical phenomena would have apocalyptic res...

If you suffer from constipation, why don't you try sticking a hoover up there? It worked for me!

In an attempt to write down its vast debt through a swap with private bondholders before tonight's deadline, the entire country of Greece has plunged itself back to antiquity. The necessary delay in Greece making its debt obligations is now so far into the future that an opposing force led by the IMF, Angela Merkel and the World Bank, has forced the nation some two and a half millennia into the past. Although three quarters of the bondholders had already agreed to the swap, a government source is now incapable of imparting the good news internationally until a herald travels to Athens from the town of Marathon, hopefully before the agora opens again for business next Monday. A run on Greek financial institutions began yesterday, as groups of naked rioters charged into the banks armed with spears, battering rams and shields, reducing the financial district of Athens to chaos. A number of Greek cities and towns have now declared independence from Athens. A herd of elephants from Cart...

In an amazing deal for new customers, Irish telecommunications giant Eircom is offering access to thousands of mainstream media sites as part of their new bundle. The deal is throwing its competitors into disarray, as consumers will now be able to access online newspaper articles and current affairs related video content from around the globe. Not only will the mainstream media sites be available, but remarkably, the Eircom bundle also offers access to sites that could be regarded by many as "niche, in terms of political views", such as the whistle-blowing WikiLeaks site. Courtesy Brian Thomas Auker Incredibly, on top of making available access to various news sources, the Eircom bundle also has the ability to access language learning facilities, information on the battles of the First World War (also known as the Great War), numerous gardening and guitar playing tips, news from Savannah, Georgia, the ability to listen to many different genres of music, the capacity to obtai...

At the latest debate for the pending Super Caucus Duper Primary Stupor Filibuster Dick Clark's Blooper Moccasins Ultimate Challenge Tuesday - ULTIMATE FIGHTER X ROUND 7! AND THE X IS A TEN!!!, in the wilds of Butte, Montana, the ninety eleventh knockout round of its kind in the race, the four remaining ultra conservative contenders for the GOP presidential nomination have declared themselves united on at least one front. Two words: Good. Neighborhoodship.* Before the biggest ultimate debate ever, where we may see The Newt extract his revenge with a Shurnuff Barlow knife, here's a little background on each of the candidates: Ron Paul At the far left and the extreme right of the field is all round "pincer movement conservative", just slightly batty elderman baby deliverer, Doctor Ron Paul. The only candidate to have taken part in the Civil War, Ron Paul was christened with two first names by his parents. They forgot to tack on his last name, making him familiar around w...

Box stuffing Vladimir Putin’s historic victory in the Russian presidential campaign came as a surprise to no one in Russia. No one that is, except for the teary eyed, much loved shadowy patriarch of the “great gassy bear that straddles the Urals”: To transliterate from the Cyrillic: Vladimir Putin, of Russia. In a speech before nearly 31 people doctored to look like 100,000 outside the Vatican Kremlin, the winner of the rigged election talked about how Russia has changed over two decades, from a country with coffee shops that sold “horrible, horrible tea, flavoured with a spoonful of jam, in the Soviet fashion”, to a country with coffee shops that sold “many, many different kinds of much lovelier horrible tea. Not just the horrible tea we once had to tolerate. Today, horrible green teas…and we have the horrible camomile teas, we also have a kind of peppermint tea, which is also of a horrible quality, as well as another class of a horrible thing called nettle tea? – but not just those...

Two teenage girls had a lucky escape after fending off a potential kidnapper. On Thursday at around 7.20pm, on a tertiary road between Bray and Powerscourt in County Wicklow, a man tried to pull a thirteen year old girl off her bicycle and into a blue van. One of the blue vans that was not at the scene on Thurday. Photo courtesy of Gerald Fischer-Bernsteiner The girls were cycling to a house of a relative of the fourteen year old girl when the attempted attack took place. “I’m going door to door, telling all the neighbours to be careful, that there is a predator on the prowl,” the mother of one of the girls said. However, the same woman has been warning neighbours about predators of all sorts for years, having been diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1996. Police have been forced to admit that the psychologically unwell mother is now in fact correct. The potential kidnapper grabbed the girl (13), pulling her from her bicycle by her Arran cardigan, and dragging her towards the van. The seco...