Fascinating Facts from the World of Ancient History

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The Jesus Christ known to the world today is very different to the man who lived towards the tail testament of the Bible. Here are some facts about Jesus whose birthday was celebrated yasterday! Yasterday indeed!

Jesus was born in a stable according to the Christians and in a cave according to the Muslims. But according to some secular historians - in keeping with the mystical and miraculous traditions of Catholicism - Jesus wasn't born at all.

 
According to the bastard Gospels, Jesus is said to have beaten an old friend into a coma for the coveting of his wife, Mary Magdalene. When Lazarus fell unconscious, Jesus then beat the old man back out of his coma, "in order to dole him a further smiting".

While Jesus regaled a small group of lawyers outside of the courthouse with the humble story of the Good Samaritan, three of his disciples - Matthew Levi, Judas Iscariot and Much the Miller's Son - went around the group picking pockets as the barristers listened, enraptured by the tale. If the rate of inflation is taken into consideration, the apostles made off with what would have been the equivalent at the time of a very large sum of money.

Jesus knocked sense into his wife the first time they met. When Mary was about to be stoned to death by a crowd for smuggling an early antecedent to the drug known as Meow Meow into the city of Jerusalem, Jesus interrupted the execution with the declaration: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." He then hurled a rock at Mary Magdalene, hitting her on the head. One of the onlookers shouted: "Good man yourself Jesus!" and the crowd dispersed, leaving Jesus and Mary alone "with their eyes only for each other, Jesus's two, and Mary's one good eye left remaining to her after being besmirched in the skull", just like a scene in a romantic comedy. Mary's eye later healed once a bandage was applied by a Roman physician, Paracetomolensus Codensus.

When Jesus arrived at the city on a donkey, a protest by the Pharisees was taking place against the manner of his grand entrance. Jesus ordered his followers to gather palm leaves and to "swish the weapons in the rabbis' faces" as he passed by. In the ensuing Battle of Palms Vs Psalms, Jesus won.

Peter and his apostles were matched in ancient times by Paul and his epistles. If it weren't for the letter-writing campaign conducted by Paul, we wouldn't have what later became the long-running BBC television programme, Points of View.

Jesus was crucified under Roman obscenity laws, amongst the least stringent laws of their kind at any point in history. His wife, Myriamicus Magdalenicus (to give her the Latin name hundreds of centurions knew her by), was regarded as "the biggest whore in all of Christendom". Jesus referred to foreplay with his wife's breasts as "The suckling of the pimples on the mounds".

The day before Jesus went into the desert, his disciples celebrated, feasting decadently with non-kosher bacon and pancakes with syrup in a meal that sustained them for "three fortnights". Even today, the extravagant meal is still celebrated by Americans, every time they eat breakfast.

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