Disaster strikes Ireland as Marriage Equality Passes
Following an environmentally-damaging experimental research study at Pfizer's Ringaskiddy facility in County Cork, a massive cloud of synthetic sperm has gone skyward above the entire island of Ireland.
TV3's weather forecasts have for the last hour been predicting a number of precipitation-related pregnancies in the coming weeks - precipitated in cities as far north as Donegal, Belfast and London-Derry/Derry/Londonderry by the disastrous experiment.
RTE's weather team - sponsored by Avonmore Soup - have remained completely silent on the issue.
#VoteNo Campaigners claim that the experimentation has only been enabled with the passage of the Marriage Equality amendment to Ireland's Constitution via popular referendum yesterday. They further claim that the Pfizer team had been waiting to "go live" with the project for many years.
A Pfizer spokesperson says it's no secret they began the research long before confirmation of
legislative change. Between 2009 and 2013, teams of lab-coated technicians had often been observed looking into the sky from the roof of the Ringaskiddy plant through enhanced goggles - comprising Latex, flashing LED lights and extendable lenses - as they held clipboards. Since 2013, the clipboards have been replaced with touchscreen devices.
Irish women - and non-national, foreign women resident in the State - are being warned to avoid standing on their heads or their hands in outdoor environments for the next forty days, particularly during periods of Irish drizzle.
All rain over Ireland for the foreseeable future is expected to contain a pharma-produced "synthetic ejaculate" from the American-owned facility. The aggressive rain-spawn may cause women to become expectant with "frankenweans" that are neither the product of a father and a mother, nor either nor neither.
During the experimentation, stem cells, based on DNA harvested from the spines of healthy and prodigiously-gifted,
secularly-raised left-handed children - were split in two and spliced with herbal enhancers - witch-hazel and devil's claw root - in nuclear centrifuges, before being squirted via modified turkey basters into helium-filled balloons to encourage cell motility and aggressive spermification.
The balloons were then suspended in a massive domed cold-storage building. Pfizer claim that the dome's rolling roof was accidentally opened this morning by an unwitting newly-employed cleanroom technician who had been encouraged by colleagues to believe that the balloons were to be released after the referendum. No Campaigners are more cynical in their assessment, suggesting that the researchers did it "accidentally on purpose".
TV3's weather forecasts have for the last hour been predicting a number of precipitation-related pregnancies in the coming weeks - precipitated in cities as far north as Donegal, Belfast and London-Derry/Derry/Londonderry by the disastrous experiment.
RTE's weather team - sponsored by Avonmore Soup - have remained completely silent on the issue.
A Pfizer spokesperson says it's no secret they began the research long before confirmation of
Irish women - and non-national, foreign women resident in the State - are being warned to avoid standing on their heads or their hands in outdoor environments for the next forty days, particularly during periods of Irish drizzle.
During the experimentation, stem cells, based on DNA harvested from the spines of healthy and prodigiously-gifted,
The balloons were then suspended in a massive domed cold-storage building. Pfizer claim that the dome's rolling roof was accidentally opened this morning by an unwitting newly-employed cleanroom technician who had been encouraged by colleagues to believe that the balloons were to be released after the referendum. No Campaigners are more cynical in their assessment, suggesting that the researchers did it "accidentally on purpose".
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