An Early Childhood Chapter 20 Part 1

Chapter 20: A bit of spillage and a whole lot of problems (Part 1)

 An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock surreal autobiography. Its first chapter is here. It parodies misery memoirs (such as Angela’s Ashes by the late great Frank McCourt), as well as science fiction, pop culture, and literature of various kinds.

 

Continued from the end of Chapter 19.

            Billy Boy Cullen set to work painting a huge mural on my apartment wall. He stood back to view his work – a dark mountain with hints of red to indicate the streams of lava descending the rugged slopes.

            Melanie Tiptoft – now more chimp than woman – sat at the table watching Billy Boy with his Rolf Harris paints, admiring his work.

Photo courtesy of John_X

 She was eating her sandwiches. She looked at the doodles that Billy Boy Cullen had drawn of motor cars on his clipboard. As she leaned forward, she tipped over the container of ectoplasmic antimatter on the clipboard.
 

            “Dammit!” she shrieked in fright, picking up the container and leaping back. “I’m sorry, Billy!”

            Billy turned to look at the pictures of motorcars he’d drawn, now covered in ooze.

            “Ah here,” he said. “What are yeh after doin’?”

            The images on the first page of the clipboard started to change. The driver of the car looked out the side window, and beckoned towards the pair - in a cartoonish, rudimentary but cutting edge manner - as they looked in disbelief. They exchanged glances with each other and looked back at the image. It beckoned again. Melanie picked up the clipboard, and a hand reached out of it. Shrieking again, she threw the clipboard in fright into the hallway.

            She looked at Billy Boy.

            “That looked like Paddy Flanagan!” she insisted.

            “It did,” he agreed.

            There was an ominous knock on the door.

            “Who is it?” Billy Boy asked.

            “It is Floudh Rak the weatherlock, come to wake my minions in the Shamoo Tanty Hills!” boomed a voice from behind the door. “I believe you have a lovely mural that I can employ in order to do so?”

Act II – Scene I

EXT A STREET - 1987 – AFTERNOON

THE GIANT LARRY WEATHERCAPE IS SPRINTING DOWN THE STREET. THE QUATTRO SKIDS AROUND A CORNER ONTO THE SAME STREET, SOME DISTANCE AWAY. CLOSEUP OF FLANAGAN AT THE WHEEL. RETURNING TO THE STREET VIEW, WE SEE WEATHERCAPE TAKING A PISTOL FROM HIS OVERNIGHT BAG. HE POINTS IT TOWARDS THE QUATTRO AS IT BEARS DOWN ON HIM. WEATHERCAPE FIRES OFF A SHOT. THE CAR SWERVES BEFORE RETURNING ON ITS PATH. WEATHERCAPE FIRES ANOTHER SHOT. THE CAR SWERVES AGAIN TO AVOID THE BULLET.

CLOSEUP OF FLANAGAN LOOKING AT THE DASHBOARD. CLOSEUP ON THE SPEEDOMETER. IT REGISTERS AT 80 MILES PER HOUR AND CLIMBING. FLANAGAN PULLS THE CAR’S CIGARETTE LIGHTER OUT OF ITS SOCKET AND MOVES FORWARD TO STICK HIS PENIS IN. HE STARTS MOVING SLOWLY BACK AND FORTH, BUILDING UP MOMENTUM. HE LOOKS AT THE SPEEDOMETER AGAIN AS HE STARTS TO PUMP FAR MORE VIGOROUSLY.

CLOSEUP OF CLOCK: IT READS 85 MILES PER HOUR.

FLANAGAN (AGGRESSIVELY)

How’s this for fuel injection? Come on, you fiery red bitch! (SLAPS THE DASHBOARD) Show me the way to go home!

(LARRY WEATHERCAPE REALISES TOO LATE THAT THE CAR IS TOO CLOSE TO GET OFF ANOTHER SHOT. HE THROWS AWAY THE PISTOL. THE CAR ERUPTS IN A FIERY BLUE EXPLOSION IN FRONT OF HIM.)

CLOSEUP OF LARRY WEATHERCAPE’S FACE, FILLED WITH FEAR.

WEATHERCAPE

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

THE HUGE LIGHTNING BLUE EXPLOSION ENGULFS LARRY WEATHERCAPE AND THE STREET SUDDENLY GOES SILENT AND UNUSUALLY DARK. WHERE LARRY WEATHERCAPE STOOD, THERE IS ONLY A PATCH OF WET TARMAC. THE CAR, TOO, HAS DISAPPEARED.

Continued in Act II Scene II.