A Fond Look Back at the 2008 Irish Pork Crisis

In the same week that pork was sent to the UK for tests due to dioxin contamination, it was revealed that corrupt Donegal Gardai were to begin re-training by Scotland Yard in an effort to curb their mendacious behaviour. Back in 2008, corruption was so rife in every aspect of Irish culture that police officers would never be trained here with a total lack of bias.

The Gardai underwent a series of examinations in London that were completely unrelated to the pork tests being carried out to see if Irish pig products were carcinogenic. However, little was done to exploit a tenuous link between cancerous pork and the corrupt Donegal officers of the law.

The Morris Tribunal - established to investigate police corruption - would have overseen the examinations undertaken by Scotland Yard. Unfortunately, however, in early October of the year, the Morris Tribunal collapsed in on itself to become a black hole.

Because certain allegations made to the tribunal were without foundation, and others still were given more weight than they should have been, the groundlessness - when combined with an added mass of what laymen might describe as a "big whoop dee doo" - meant that when Justice Frederick Morris made final his rulings, a huge vortex erupted inside the courtroom. Members of the McBrearty family, five high-ranking Gardai and the two TDs grabbed whatever furniture fittings they could find as a whirlpool of matter was sucked into the gaping maw.

A pattern of harassment took hold of two of the McBrearty clan, who followed Justice Morris into the vacuum. One of them caught Brendan Howlin on the way into the chasm, and he too followed the judge in. Everyone else escaped with minor injuries.

“It was incredible,” Jim Higgins declared from his hospital bed, where he was recovering from an elongated rectum. He shook his head in disbelief as he added: “You should have heard Brendan Howlin!”

A crack team of Garda physicists, each of whom got at least a D3 in Pass Maths for the Leaving Certificate, established a cordon around the quantum singularity and managed to get Brendan Howlin back, but a change had occurred.

"He's a shell of his former self. A shadow, he is now. Supports taxation policies he doesn't even believe in. Horrible to have his brain scrambled like that," said former colleague Colm Keaveney, on condition of unanimity. Unfortunately, Mr. Keaveney had to go it alone.

“It’ll take a lot of head scratching to figure this one out,” a source declared in 2008, a few grazes above his brow.

It's not known exactly when, but scientists at CERN are understood to believe that the quantum singularity will make another appearance in Ireland - some time in 2013 - for The Gathering.