Republican National Convention shows the way

Politicians and celebrities alike made their speeches at the Republican National Convention Labor Day, denouncing the “ass in the room” – the Democratic Party, many members of whom were conspicuously absent from the convention. Recent criticisms of the Republican Party as being too right wing were addressed head on. Here are some of the many soundbites.

“When the Gay, Lesbium and Trans…what are they? What are those ones called? No, the word that I can use. Transepticle…? When the Gay Lesbium and Transpectual community comes a-knockin’, don’t…answer…your…door. And here’s to why, folks, here’s to why: It won’t be a ‘social issue’ if you simply watch them outside through the little jackeye in your door, watching them having their Gape Ride Parade. Because social means talking. So leave them outside and don’t talk to them. Let them gape at each other, and then let them ride each other, in their special leathers and their Carnivale gear, and then you...watch...them...leave your neighborhood through your jackeye till the following year. Watch them. Through. That. Jackeye. In. Your. Door. Just look them in the jackeye and don’t answer that door.”

- Awawawa Senator Steward Brooker

Mister Fantastic himself, Reed Richards, made a speech at the convention.

 “Folks, this, dark, niggardly misstep we have taken – a small misstep, folks, a small misstep – indicates to me that we need to make a course correction – and once we do, we can set off on maximum warp – around the galaxy. The time for kissing Uhura has passed. That was the 60s. This is now. Let’s hope Neil Armstrong is looking down on us NOW, giving us a thunderous clapping.”

- Canadian actor Stryke Chambers, whose most famous role to date is as the white-cloaked Vulcan, Councilman Derek, in Episode # 302 of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

 “We’ve got the Democrats in our crosshairs. All we have to do is pull the trigger. So let’s pump their brains out!”

- Leader of the Riflemen of the Confederacy, a Tennessee chapter of the NRA, Harlack Macker

The voice of Kermit the Frog in the recent Muppet movie even made an appearance.

 

“I don’t know if what we’ll end up doing to the Russians…I don’t know if you’d call what I have planned a squirmish. I do know that the Polynesian Twenty Ten poisoning of former KGB agent Alexandra Litnitnitniko from a few years ago – in Londing, England – Sergeant Bilko? known to his friends and family as Satchel, this good man, this killing – cannot stand. And the Christmas underwear bomber cannot stand. He cannot stand because he nearly burned his entire legs off. That is why we must ratify the bill to remove all items of Christmas underwear off the shelves before Thanksgiving.”

- Anti-Terrorist Committee Member Chunt Twitty.

“People ask me if I’m a token minority Republican, because of my color and because of my disability. I tell answer back to folks: I tell answer back quicksmart that I’m a Black, Jewish, Latino, Gay, Blind bit of difference!”

- Partially sighted Cleaning lady Rhoneequa Beezelburg-leJeffriez